Official Blog of the Internet (otherwise known as Will's Blog)

Goodbye

2011-07-29T20:28:00.001-05:00

Again I am reminded that I will never have a close relationship with another person. I am utterly inept and building these things. I have painfully come to terms with the fact that I am here in the world alone, carrying my own burdens. There is no other living human being made for me to share life with. I am crushed and smothered by pain in the present and pain from the past. Haunted by innumerable memories and failed friendships. I have no idea what my reason for existence is, except for being the bearer of more pain and hurtful memories than a person can stand. I'm just through with it. I'm a lost ship on this sea of randomness and lack of purpose. I see no reason for this blog or writing further about anything concerning my life. I'm finished with asking questions and the efforts with figuring it out. This will be the downward spiral to a place I never dreamed God would let me fall. Whatever happens to me, will be the proof of what I've said all along. I'm shutting the doors to my heart and locking them tight.

Goodbye.

Alone

2011-07-14T19:56:00.009-05:00

Here I sit alone.

I have not signed on here in almost a year and written anything, yet I'm driven to write out of sheer loneliness. There is no way I can write a recap of the past year. I look back on it, and it is an utter waste and a failure.

No distractions, no video projects. Not even the activity around the house, with my parents gone to Padre Island. Nothing to keep away the darkness and anguish that floods over me when I'm alone in my thoughts.

I have no close relationships. No close friends. Parents. Family. No one who knows me. Most think they do, but they don't. I put on hats for different people, but it is not who I really am. It's a cover to hide the me that is hurting, alone, and hopeless. I feel like an animal, scared out of its mind. My life is nothing but a random serious of pointless events.

Sometime last year, I was driven to this same place. Forced to finally cry for help to someone who would listen. It is so easy to maintain the status quo and pretend to be the person I am not. It's easy to fool people unintentionally, and never get the help I desperately need. I don't even know what help could be given to me.

I never thought I could get this low. My life means so little to me, that I wish to die. For a long time, I have turned on myself and hated everything I am and all I've done. I'm this creature who feels nothing, and has a cold heart. I can't relate to people as a normal healthy person should. I am the result of being alone to my thoughts and isolated from intimate relations with other people.

I'm so tired of the act. I'm terrified of telling people the truth. Who can even help me? I'm a rat on a sinking ship.

Oh God, what is this madness that is my life? What is the purpose for all this? I'm losing it...

I sit here, and watch all these people come and go on Facebook and I know none of them. People I met once, people I knew decades ago...

I feel like someone who was never meant to be. Like a failed project that has lost all purpose.

Last time, I gave it everything I had. This impossible mountain that has defeated me every time. One last effort.

I got involved in a church again. Tried to be a part of other people's lives. Tried to find the escape route back to some sanity. To some hope. As always, alone amongst a sea of strangers. Having to start from the beginning, everyone a new face. People I do not know all around me. I see all these amazing people with meaningful lives. People who love God and seem to know their purpose in life. They raise excited hands in worship and are full of light. I sit through countless worship services, reflecting on my life like it's a mirror. I see the garbage I truly am and I'm robbed of any hope. Everyone is so focused on the praise and worship, and here I am playing along. More out of place here than anything I can imagine. I see people who exist so far out of league than me.

I don't belong in this place.

I try to fit in with human beings, but I am not one of them. Darkness and light can't co-exist.

I made many friends there, but no one really knew me. I helped out where I could. Did the Youth America thing. Helped clean up the church afterwards. Looked forward to tagging along with people going out to eat. Tried my best at feeling alive.

I don't know what it is with me. When I'm left alone to my thoughts, it is madness. A living nightmare. The kind that you wake up and breath a deep sigh of relief that it wasn't real. You're in the real world with hope and you have a future. My world is a living nightmare of shattered hopes, anguish and despair. Everything I do with my life, is a means to distract me from it. It lets me cope with it another day.

I've spent the past year getting involved in videograpy, or whatever you choose to call it. I documented the entire construction of my city's largest skyscraper. Yet the real purpose for all of it, is to give me one more distraction. Keep my mind occupied.

I am nearly thirty years old. I've never embraced another person in a close relationship. Never had anyone that shared the same cares I do for them. Yet I have had my heart crushed and beaten to a pulp. To the point where I can barely hold a gaze without looking down.

I seem to be attracted to things that are hopeless and do nothing but cause me more pain.

There is a person right now that I care a lot about. They probably do not know this, or to what extent it is. I exist to them only in a chat window. There is a huge gulf between their life and mine. Two different cities far apart. I sometimes let myself imagine great things that I hope for with them, knowing that is is all my imagination. There is a small glimmer somewhere deep that perhaps this is what I've been looking for. Maybe, finally this is it. Reality sets in though. It's like the final moments of a very close ballgame where things can go wither way. The edge of a knife. Hope and hopelessness.

Who can truly help me? What is the purpose for all this?

I used to be so naive. I was first driven to God after falling in a depression not unlike the one I fall into now. It is always there, waiting. Knowing the distractions can't last forever.

I thought God would sort of lead me everywhere I needed to go. It was like something from a movie or storybook. Everything in my life would suddenly have purpose and it would all make sense.

It wasn't until I read the Bible for myself that doubts crept into my heart. When I read verses like Romans 9:19 -

¹⁹ Well then, you might say, “Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven’t they simply done what he makes them do?”

No, don’t say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, “Why have you made me like this?” ²¹ When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn’t he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage into? ²² In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. ²³ He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory. ²⁴ And we are among those whom he selected, both from the Jews and from the Gentiles.

Nothing describes me better there, than "a lump of clay to throw garbage into". Not everyone has worth. God picks who He wants to live forever, who to spend an eternal life with. The vast majority do not fit into this elite group. Life is just a cosmic lottery game.

I see people as just worthless creatures. Like the insect you crush under your feet when you walk down the street and pay no mind to. We're like dirty, disgusting apes in a zoo who's existence is like a foul odor to God. We're not that far removed from chimps, who fight and kill over territory and selfishness. Except we have technology instead of sticks.

Who am I to God? What is my very existence to Him?

Every time I see some insect struggling along or trapped inside the house, I think of me. This pathetic creature who's trapped in an worthless existence, that I could ignore or kill if I felt like. I think that's how God must see me.

I've read the New Testament many times, so see who this Jesus really is. The man who people say loves everyone and cares about me. I have a hard time seeing it. The Jesus I read about, and certainly the one who lives right now and is coming back, doesn't seem to care for people like me. He's not the suffering servant that's in the book. I am a horrible and wicked person in His sight. More so than I care to write here. I don't read the Bible, because it robs me of all hope. It's a perfect standard that I can't live up to. His standards and expectations I cannot live up to.

Knowing the truth of life, and trying to be a Christ-follower makes it so much worse. At least when I first came out of terror and depression, I didn't know anything. Knowing the truth of what future probably awaits me, it's agonizing. At least then I was ignorant to it all.

I know what people would say. I know what I wish in my heart was true. I just can't believe in it anymore.

I've exhausted all of me that I have left. I'm bleeding here on the side of the road, hoping for some rescue before it's too late. I'm done trying. My best efforts have not amounted to anything.

Living is like torture. All memories and experiences turn on me and become objects of torture. Everything I did at that church, turns to condemnation. Everything loses purpose. Why did I even bother doing that, going there, being involved in that? There's no purpose to anything.

Every last thing I cherished or had left to hold on to has been taken away. Things you read about in my "testimony" are all turned to dust. None of it meant anything.

Why even keep going? Not even death would be an escape anyway. It's knowing your efforts and outcome are in vain, yet having to continue down that road anyway.

Even if there was hope, I'm beyond the point of believing in it. It all sounds good in some Craig Groeschel book, or in words. I don't see it.

How much more pleading and begging to the sky does one have to do for God to step in again? Something supernatural or miraculous must occur in my heart and soul to change the damage done to me and what I've done to myself.

When Jesus hung on the cross and cried out to the Father, but God turned away and he was forsaken when he needed him the most, doesn't He know that's how I feel when I try to talk to Him? There isn't much left of that relationship that hasn't been butchered by me. It's the ultimate dysfunctional long distance relationship. There's no one else left to turn to.

Here's my first long, rambling post for this year. I don't know if it's even worth the effort. All I do when I read old posts is shake my head and feel a pierced heart.

I'm going to click Publish Post, then continue to sit. Alone.

Wait for that special person of mine to sign on and chat with me. No doubt if she read this, I would never see her sign in again.

It seems that's not going to happen tonight. Time for the escape of sleep, to start the work week all over again tomorrow.

"It's like privacy in a bag!"

2010-08-21T17:06:00.001-05:00

Downtown OKC and Devon Energy Tower Construction

2010-08-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

Now I'm not a ninja like some people who can get into restricted areas... but I did a simple walk around of the construction site and got plenty of good ground level footage. I threw in some good shots of First National, Chase, Colcord and others. This is shot with my new HD video camera I got Wednesday. The raw footage is 1080p 60 frames and looks incredible. Still holds up alright on Vimeo.

Downtown OKC and Devon Energy Tower Construction from William Hider on Vimeo.

Devon Tower Construction update from Larry Nichols

2010-07-29T14:42:00.003-05:00

Devon Energy chairman Larry Nichols gives an update on the Devon Tower construction. I'm sort of a skyscraper buff so this was the most exciting news in recent years

500ft by next Spring, matching Chase Tower's height
850ft within a year, next August making it the tallest building in Oklahoma.
Glass will be added to the first three floors in September.

And They Crucified Him - Art Katz

2010-07-22T17:28:00.002-05:00

Kari Jobe in Mustang, Youth America & Thursday nights

2010-07-22T16:09:00.009-05:00

This past Sunday night, I saw Kari Jobe lead worship at The Bridge Assemblies of God Church in Mustang. I had known about this event for months, since I saw her with Desperation Band during the Heartwork Tour. I never really worried about it, like tickets and all that. It ended up being a free event. Needless to say, something about the word "free" brings people in. I got there at 6:00pm, which I thought would be early but the doors had opened at 5:30. It was already packed full of people. They ended up having to get out folding chairs.

The thing about Kari, she's an extremely busy girl. There's no telling when she gets up to start her day. She goes to so many different places and meets so many people, I don't know how she does it. But it's what God created her to do and it's a beautiful thing. She had already done a Sunday morning worship in Texas and flew up to Mustang to do another one. She didn't seem to be tired but I don't doubt she was.

To her it's not some show or concert. She's there to lead people into worship to God. That's her gift, along with her voice. Even when it's her, it's still incredibly difficult for me to let go and not feel this tremendous anxiety being around strangers. I feel like everyone is looking at me and it really effects me in a negative way. Being able to raise my hands and not care about anything around me is very difficult. I really tried my best.

After it was over, I waited for her to come sign cd's and meet people. I bought a $25 cd brick of her previous two self-titled releases including an old recording from 2004 called Throneroom Worship.

I had borrowed my mom's old 6 megapixel point-and-shoot that barely had enough battery power for a few photos with flash. She eventually came out and I waited a while for a chance to get the three cd sleeves signed. I managed to snag a guy who had just finished, to get a photo of me and her. Luckily the battery held out for one good picture. It turned out surprisingly well. I can't help but have these bittersweet feelings when I look at the picture. We're the same age, but we couldn't possibly be more different. Here's a beautiful and talented child of God who I know touches His heart with her worship and ability to lead others into His presence. You can say many eloquent things and they are all true. Then... well, there's me. Nothing could portray a better example of polar opposites in one picture. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I don't really want to spend this whole post about how I feel about myself, so I'll leave it at that. I think it just speaks for itself.

I got home and imported the three cd's into iTunes, then burned two of them on a cd for my grandma. She had offered to buy one of the cds so I went ahead and made her both copies. I haven't listened to any of them completely yet. The first track on the Throneroom Worship cd has really touched me. It's called Come to the Table

I keep hearing the chorus in my heart, and I truly want to "come to the table" like the chorus says, but I just feel far too gone. I have so much self-hatred and hopelessness that I'm at the breaking point. I can't undo any of this and it's going to take some miracle or breakthrough. Whatever identity or person I was developing into, I lost it a long time ago. I just exist, with no reason to be. I don't feel joy, happiness, or self-worth. To the handful of folks who read my blog, we might as well be from different planets. It's a joke that someone as hurting as me should be alive, because everything hurts so bad. Most people don't get overwhelmed by hopelessness and depression from reading the bible, but I do. The past few weeks, I've come to fully see how monumental a failure my life is, and how far I fall short. I don't have any of the fruit that is produced from being joined with Christ and I feel like a cursed fig tree. Family has long since been distanced until they are non existent. Everyone else I'm a stranger to. I can't begin to tell people how far I'm gone, so I just wear a mask and a fake smile and try and fit in. Who can help? How could you? Is it even worth it?

When I hear that song, I want to be a little kid again. Start over, reboot my memories and be able to forget everything. Get my innocence back, be able to trust and love. Have a new heart and mind. Be someone who has God-given self worth. Have an identity and purpose. What I hear in my head is that it's obvious that I'm where I am now because I was never given those things. For some of you, that would be a nightmare living a life that feels like a cosmic accident and it didn't matter if you lived or died. Why bother doing anything or getting up? Despite my best hopes, I've ended up in this place. As far gone as a person can be. You've all got great families that keep you sane and mentally stable. I have people surrounding me who don't know me at all. No one I trust enough or who would take up the challenge of living their life and picking mine up.

Who in their right mind would pull off the highway of their life, and pick up some dead animal on the side of the road and put it in your trunk? No, you would glance at it in disgust, put it out of your mind and keep driving. It's God's sovereignty what to do with who He wants. For a long time I've developed this view of life that some people have worth and others don't. I imagine God as an artist at a drawing table, much like I used to do. I've drawn some hideous things that I'm disgusted with that I quickly crumple up and throw away. Other things I'm proud of and show people. I read this verse long ago and it's seeded in my heart. It's in the bible so there must be truth to it:

Romans 9:17

For the Scriptures say that God told Pharaoh, "I have appointed you for the very purpose of displaying my power in you and to spread my fame throughout the earth." So you see, God chooses to show mercy to some, and he chooses to harden the hearts of others so they refuse to listen.

Well then, you might say, "Why does God blame people for not responding? Haven't they simply done what he makes them do?"

No, don't say that. Who are you, a mere human being, to argue with God? Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, "Why have you made me like this?" When a potter makes jars out of clay, doesn't he have a right to use the same lump of clay to make one jar for decoration and another to throw garbage in? In the same way, even though God has the right to show his anger and his power, he is very patient with those on whom his anger falls, who are destined for destruction. He does this to make the riches of his glory shine even brighter on those to whom he shows mercy, who were prepared in advance for glory."

Some people are truly destined for glory and life, and you should wake up every day and rejoice for that. Others just aren't. I feel like I try and try to be something I'm just not. I don't want to believe it, but all I can see if the evidence for it. In my desperate pursuit of the truth, I don't know if I could accept the real thing even if I was beaten over the head with it. I don't know if anything can reach me. The whole thing is just a pathetic, sad affair. It hurts all the more trying to fit in with people who are the real thing.

I've been volunteering at Church of the Harvest for Youth America that's been going on for the past three weeks. I come in around 6pm and help with what they call U-Crew, who helps kids and pastors from all the different churches who are on campus find their assigned seats and do whatever else they need. One of the doors in the sanctuary leads to the back room where they cook food and have a place to relax and watch tv. It's where you sign in and get your t-shirt. I felt like I was a leech eating the food, and not really helping much. There's a printout of that night's seating arrangements that I need to carry with me. They change the seating every night or often, so that they have to meet new people. I honestly don't have a single clue how it works and I really don't help much. I'm about as useless as a third wheel. It feels great when someone comes up to me and asks for help and I have to say I don't know anything. It's just a joke. I have these printed out papers to show what the current seating is, and hope they know where they're supposed to go. Other than that, we just stand in the isles with these black t-shirts with brightly colored "U-Crew" letters. Helping take the offering is something I'm a little more competent at. Even though simple things confuse my simple mind.

Every single service I've been to so far, feels like it's spoken directly to me. Each week, they have three new speakers. The first week was evangelist Robert Madu. This past week was Carl Lentz who is the pastor of Hillsong Church in New York City. I missed him because I saw Kari Jobe. This week was Dino Rizzo from Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge. Here's one of the services from Robert Madu.

Last night's service with Dino Rizzo was really good. He is a very funny guy who talked about his experience growing up and dealing with a bully. For a lot of his early school years, he was put in Resource where the kids with "special needs" were put. He got bullied around by this one kid, until the day he got befriended by an older tough kid who got tired of him being bullied and took care of his problem for him. I hope Church of the Harvest puts these videos up soon, because it's hard to tell their stories like they can. This was another service that I felt was just for me and I really wanted to go down with all the other crowds of people at the altar. There was almost no room for anyone else. Pretty much everything he said was speaking directly to where I am right now. Bullied, alone and helpless. He mentioned how you can't fight things alone or it will smother you. I was on the U-Crew and was all the way in the back. So again, here I am unable to be helped. I'm convinced that going down won't magically fix my problems and I've been prayed over before and feel like a dead piece of meat. I can't tell you how much it hurts to see things like this pass by me. It just adds to the hopelessness.

The previous Wednesday, I hung around until 1:30 at night in the back room trying to keep myself company. I never really talk very much, but just like not being alone. This Wednesday, I really wanted to help out more so I asked if they needed help taking trash out and other things. A girl showed me where to find stuff and what to do. I've more or less had nothing but jobs involving cleaning up after people, so I can totally take out trash, vacuum, sweep floors and stack chairs. I didn't stay out quite as late.

Right after the service, they have the Radiant Party for people of all ages up to age 29. Here I am, two months short of 29 and I thought about going but didn't. I think I've missed out on that entire period of my life, despite what I had hoped. I helped clean up the auditorium and then later on another big room where a big group of people were speaking and they were serving food. I guess they were leaders since the pastor was talking. I had no idea what was going on in this room. There's a lot of areas I'm not familiar with yet. There's a bar where they serve food and Starbucks, kind of like a cafe or something.

There's all kinds of stuff going on until early in the morning. There's only so much I can do just volunteering. It all feels empty, no matter what I find to do. I still don't feel like I belong anywhere, but just tag along and try to fit in somewhere.

There's a lot more to that night, but I can't spend too much time writing every detail. Really wish I could, just not enough time in the day.

I almost forgot to mention this past Thursday night. I wish I could write about everything that goes on, but who can really do that? At City Rescue Mission a week ago, it was pretty much a healing service. Some people were healed from back problems. I've come to know Shane and others who are leaders. Shane did some of the talking and another guy who I would later meet. Shane mentioned there he felt there were people battling depression and hopelessness and asked us to stand. One lady stood up and I almost didn't do it, but did it anyway. He asked people to pray where we were, and some people laid hands on me. Again, I've been prayed for enough times and I am very reluctant to do it even though I really need it. I desperately need the attention but it's very hard for me. I feel like I'm wasting people's time, and then they ask if I feel anything or if what they prayed about meant anything. I still feel like a dead person. After it was over, they asked prayer leaders to stand up front and asked anyone to come down. I sat down next to Shane and told him how bad it's been lately. Like this oppressive dark cloud over me, since I've been wrestling with things all day in my heart and mind. It's getting to where I feel like I'm losing my mind. He and some others prayed for me again, and it's like I feel nothing at all. I hung out way after most of the congregation left, like I usually do. A lot of these guys must be charismatic because they laugh and fall down like they're on something. I mean it with no disrespect, but it's just way out of my experience. I feel like a reanimated corpse already, and I don't understand what's going on with them. I just sit there where I was on the altar, just watching people. It's just weird and I feel like I'm so out of place with these people. They're feeling stuff I have no comprehension of.

As usual we all went out to Friday's. This time it was at a different one. Again, when I'm with these people I hardly know, just trying to keep myself company, I feel like this third wheel. They all seem to have known each other for years, and where does that put me? I'm not really even worth talking to anyway. Shane is getting people together for some kind of thing in Germany. They've booked a hotel and other stuff and I didn't ask what it was about. It's very isolating being someone who just listens and is like a fly on the wall during other people's conversations. After we signed our receipts and paid for our meals, everyone was standing around by the table like we were leaving but nobody left. Everybody was talking to each other, and I'm like stuck behind the table and leaning against the wall. The only person there that nobody is talking to. I'm almost never going to start talking to anyone. That's just how I am. I'm just sort of there, listening. It really makes you feel like you don't even belong there.

There was a guy who came by later who wasn't with us in the service. His name is Jim Kimbrough and he's one of the pastors of Damascus Man Ministries. I didn't know any of this until after I looked him up. We were leaving, and he was the only guy who came over and started talking to me. It was so bizarre, because he started telling me stuff like I was going to bring people to God and all this stuff. He mentioned some man that I can't remember the name, and he felt like I was going to be like him in leading people to God. I can hardly remember what he said now. I felt like he must have the wrong guy. What an awkward situation. I never said that, but just nodded and agreed with him. I told him to add me on Facebook, and I haven't heard from him. I don't know why I threw that in, but it's just one of the odd things that's happened this week.

Tonight is another Thursday night. It's getting late and I haven't done much of anything on this last day off but write all this. It just takes way too much time. We'll see how this night goes. About the only thing I have to offer God right now is trying to be faithful with what I do have. I have Wednesday nights, Thursday nights, and Sunday nights. Even if I don't feel like doing anything, I'll never even have a hope if I don't try to be around people even though nothing makes sense. It's just a pathetic existence.

Tomorrow, it's back to the hamster wheel. Working hard, but going nowhere.

Trying to bless someone always blows up in my face

2010-07-18T16:01:00.002-05:00

I have this tendency to miss opportunities when they are right in front of me because the idea just doesn't occur to me. It can take hours or days later before it finally dawns on me.

I'm going to see Kari Jobe sing at a free event at The Bridge Assembly in Mustang later tonight. I've known about this event since the Heartwork Tour when she was with Desperation Band in May. At the time it was a few months in the future, and I didn't really think much of it. As you know, from May until now it's been one of the roughest times I've ever had. My mind has been totally absorbed with my own issues and just getting through every day takes everything I got.

Last month, I heard that some out of town relatives were staying at my grandma's house. I almost didn't go, but decided to go ahead and come over. I don't regret it, since I hardly see my grandma anymore. Since my dad's dad died in 2007 she's been living alone. I had not seen my two aunts since they came up from wherever to help take care of my grandpa. Most of the time was spent showing them my iPad. My aunts are actually a little technology literate and back in 2007 one of them brought their laptop. My grandma listens to Christian music and I told her about how I help out and know people from The House FM. I played her some of the worship music that I have on the iPad. The song Your Hands from JJ Heller she liked a lot. She had heard it before on the radio. I guess she listens to K-LOVE and Air1. I played her Revelation Song from Kari Jobe and she liked it too.

A few weeks ago at City Rescue Mission, there was a guy and a girl who did music that night. I guess every week, they shuffle out different people from other churches. I never met them so I didn't know their names. They played Revelation Song at the end of the worship segment and I thought it was a nice coincidence. The same thing actually happened the very first night I went there. Anyway, it wasn't until about two days later, it dawned on me that I should have mentioned to the girl about the Kari Jobe show, and how it might bless her. I assumed that she probably knew about Kari since she played her song. Naturally, Josh Kouri the Frontline pastor was off for vacation and didn't get to reply to the email I sent. He was the first person I thought to ask. Then the next Thursday, I had the doctor visit to get my BPH checked out. See my previous post for how I felt after that visit. Needless to say, I decided not to go at the last minute and it was an absolute monsoon downpour with rain that night anyway. So the days kept dragging on, and I had no idea who to even ask. That narrow opportunity passed me by without me knowing it, but I would be gosh darned if I didn't try. I asked a guy named Matt I had met the first night I went to CRM when I saw him online and told him the situation. I always end up in these ridiculous tricky situations where I have to ask odd questions and look like an idiot. I asked if he knew her and he said he did, but wouldn't tell me her name so I could at least refer to her in the conversation. All I wanted was to ask if he would pass the info about the concert. Somehow he got this impression that I wanted to know her and all that, like what the heck are we back in high school? I have no idea if he even said anything. This past Thursday we didn't talk much.

When I find myself in this kind of situation again, it really makes me mad. The last time I tried to bless someone like this and ended up in a tricky situation, they took everything the wrong way and ripped my heart out. I wanted to bless someone once with sharing my testimony, and it ended up being the worst experience in my life. If anyone reads this, tell me what you would have done? Just forget the whole thing, let it just pass by or would you try to fix it? Did I do something wrong? Was it my fault for not having the thought pop into my head?

Today again I was at work, when I suddenly got the idea that maybe my grandma would like to go to this show. I mean it was free after all, but it's probably too late now and she goes to church on Sunday nights. Sure enough when I got her on the phone after work, she was already planning to go to church.

Things like this, I don't know if they are lessons for me, or just nothing at all. It feels so pointless and it hurts me. What is the point in it? Is it my fault? I always takes things personally, like I shouldn't bother doing it ever again. Beat myself up over it. I don't know why this stuff happens.

Dealing with BPH

2010-07-15T17:08:00.003-05:00

I've mentioned to a few others and on updates about medical issues I've been having. It's actually been an issue for years, but I didn't have insurance and I dreaded going to the doctor. I feel like one of the reasons God had me lose my job at ParkWest with Enterprise was because He knew my problem was going to get worse. Now that I'm at Avis, I have medical benefits.

About a month ago now, I went to the general doctor that I go to once a year maybe, when I get too sick to get over something. I usually work regardless of the cold, sinus infection or whatever. But I've had bronchitis and a few things, but only once a year. I rarely go to the doctor. I'm getting older, no matter if I like it or not. My life is passing me by. I need to start going regularly and get an exam and have things looked at.

I'll just be frank here since we're hopefully all grownups. I've been having trouble urinating for years and it's something that you gradually get used to. It finally got to where I could barely do it at all. Before it was just annoying but I dealt with it. Like I said, I went to the one doctor I go to once a year at the most, and he said it was a prostate infection or whatever. He didn't do an exam because he said it would hurt really bad and just gave me antibiotics.

Shortly after this, it wasn't helping me so I went to another walk-in clinic and another doctor. This doctor did the exam and it didn't hurt at all and said it was an enlarged prostate or Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia. He referred me to a urologist and gave me pills that would help with my high blood pressure and shrink the prostate over time.

The third doctor, the urologist wasn't much help. I sat in my waiting room for so long, I almost walked out to see if they had forgotten me. I told him the problem assuming he knew what the previous doctor said. Apparently he didn't and gave me some Vesicare for bladder control, which did not do a bit of good. He seemed kind of arrogant and told me to come back in three weeks.

The problem was getting bad, now I'm about a month later and it's even worse. Three doctors, three different medications, and no improvement. And more then $200 wasted. I told my mom what was going on, and she recommended a doctor that other people in the family, including my grandfather and brother had gone to before. My grandfather who died back in 2007, had prostate cancer. My uncle who is in prison has gotten it. My brother had some kind of kidney stones when he was a little kid and had to have surgery. My dad had the same kind of thing. I felt pretty good about this doctor because I remember being with my mom and brother in his office when he had the kidney stones.

I made an appointment, got in on my day off and told him the whole story. He did another exam, and then used a ureteroscope to check for any blockage. If you are a guy, I probably don't need to describe this procedure. Just let your mind imagine. I cringe just thinking about it now and I was looking up at the ceiling, clenching my hands in a death grip. Since he's a busy man, he didn't exactly do it gently. Well, no blockage and he told me to go urinate, which I still couldn't do. He then gave me a catheter and told me I had start doing this until the second medication to shrink the prostate started working. I don't know about you, but this is the last thing I imagined I would have to do to myself. Just the thought is horrible.

When I got home, I had to go so bad. The doctor must have made my urethra swell up by doing the scope too hard or something, because it was extremely painful trying to do this. I've never had to do something this hard before. Imagine doing this, millimeter by millimeter just so you can use the bathroom. Spare me the effort describing it to you. I was sitting there drenched in sweat and I almost passed out.

On top of everything else I've blogged about in the past week, add this experience to that and you can see what life has been like for me. I'm just at the breaking point.

So I basically tried to do anything I could to avoid going to the bathroom. For some reason in the mornings getting up, I could go on my own but still with pain. But I had to work most of the day with that feeling of holding it in, like you would at the movies or on a road trip. But you can't let it out. It feels like you're holding it all day and it puts me in constant pain and discomfort. There's no way I can mess with this in the restroom at work. Coming home, and looking forward to doing this to myself is so much fun.

At the doctor, they recommended a company that sells different catheters and was told they would give me a call. Apparently there are much better ones than the cheap one I was given, and I called them and asked for one of the more sophisticated ones. I got several of those, and a couple of kits in the mail this past Monday. The clear plastic kinds seemed to work better and there was less friction. On Tuesday, I was so relieved that I could start going on my own again. What a thing to take for granted, going to the bathroom easily. But I still had some discomfort, but at least I could go. I got another call from the company about ordering more catheters and told the lady that I was able to go on my own. I'm hoping that the medication is beginning to work. I'm pretty sure my urethra is healed up from the ureteroscope procedure.

So, as of today it's gotten even better but still nowhere where it should be. But no more catheters.

I'll be honest, but I don't want to even think about doctors, hospitals, catheters, and getting old. I just don't want it to happen. I don't want to get old and have to deal with that stuff. Being eaten alive by cancer or some other kind of sickness is not the way I want to go out. I don't care if I have to go live in Pakistan. I just hope, given my testimony and other reasons that it's not something God wants for me and I accept that. It's something deeply personal between me and God and if there was one favor I would ask, it's that.

Church of the Harvest

2010-07-15T16:17:00.005-05:00

The past two weeks have been some of the darkest in my life. Not having the things that keep me distracted from facing the problems is so overwhelming. Despite trying to be involved in two fellowships (I won't use the term "churches") on three nights a week, I still don't have real fellowship with anyone. I'm always a wanderer who wanders into other people's lives, and doesn't feel that I belong there or have a purpose. I look around and no one knows me and I don't know them.

I started going to Church of the Harvest the past few weeks. A friend of mine Elizabeth told me about them. That first Sunday night service was so amazing. The people there are so passionate for God. Everyone raises hands in worship and you know the Holy Spirit is there. But despite that, I feel like a dead piece of meat. Doubt and uncertainty has woven itself so firmly inside my heart and mind that it keeps me from being free. I want to be set free from this so badly.

That night, after the service had already started, I was still waiting for Elizabeth. I was watching towards the entrance and had one of those rare coincidences. Ever have someone you know from some place else, another area of life just happen to walk by and take you totally by surprise? Someone I knew at Enterprise named Jennifer caught my attention because I happened to be looking in the right direction. I had that "What the..?" look on my face, and she came over and greeted me. Apparently she had been going to this church for a long time according to other people I later met. She volunteers and is a part of the Service Crew. I never really knew she was a believer, but she always had a presence and a big smile so those tend to be giveaways. At least I sort of know one person here. It was always business so we never knew each other personally.

I had only met Elizabeth one other time, and we met through Facebook and being listeners to The House FM. That first Sunday night was the day before Youth America was starting, which is a three week conference for the youth. They mentioned volunteering and I felt it was something I should do. That service was pretty much a big worship night preparing for the next three weeks. A lot of serious worship and praying going on. These are the kinds of people I should have in my life. People who aren't weak and hopeless, but have real closeness with God that I only dreamed I could have. If only I had been a part of a church like this years ago, or when I was young. Near the end, the youth leaders, who are still younger than me, came up and all prayed one by one. One young girl was so passionate in her prayers, it really touched me. I have such a longing in my heart to be in the same place, to have a life again. To have that passion and not be so screwed up. That's where I wanted to be over ten years ago. I trusted, and things never turned out the way I had hoped.

So here I am, in another new fellowship surrounded by people I don't know, and that overwhelming sense that I don't belong or have a reason to be there. I can't help feel that when I wander around, going here and going there. I find myself jumping into things, not knowing what I'm doing. The first night I'm there, and I already feel like I'm supposed to volunteer.

It's difficult for me to get used to raising hands and not caring about the people around me. I've done things on my own for so long, I don't know how to be around crowds of people. I feel like everyone is sneering at me and giving me the eye. I'm certain that's all in my head, but it's a greatly oppressive feeling that effects me. There's no reason to feel that way but I do regardless. I've been misunderstood and hurt by people in a fellowship that I'm supposed to trust and love. I don't know how to accept or feel love and give it back.

When that first service was over, I met the pastor Kirk Pankratz. At the entrance they have a sort of help desk. People were hanging around and others were leaving. One of the guys there was actually a youth pastor or a leader. We didn't talk very long because everyone seemed so busy with the Youth America camp. When I'm around new people in a new environment, I don't tend to think clearly. It's hard to focus on things. It wasn't until days later that it hit me that he was the perfect person to ask about volunteering. I ended up having to talk to Elizabeth on Facebook to see if she could find out anything. This trend really bothers me, how I can't see opportunities when they are in front of me, and it sometimes takes hours or days before I realize it. Elizabeth helped me get a name to ask for, and then the next Wednesday night I was going to go back and see if I could help.

That next Wednesday, I showed up and didn't really know what to do. I sat in the auditorium with kids all over, since it was well into the youth camp and people come from all over the place to the OKC campus and stay all day. Youth America had limited seats and they were all taken. It dawned on me that I have no business even being there, and I asked if they had any regular Wednesday night plans. They said no, not until Youth America is over. So I basically just drove all the way back home. I already feel like I'm rushing into things, or I'm not supposed to be there so this doesn't help. I don't even know what I could do.

During the three weeks of camp, the church is also having three speakers each week. The next Sunday they had a man from Dallas named Robert Madu. He's one of those young preachers who likes to interact with the crowd and is very enthusiastic and funny. His sermons are so Spirit-filled and encouraging. Enough to get me and most of the people in the service to come down to the altar.

Before Robert preached, about twelve students came up on stage and talked about how Youth America has impacted them so far and they gave some testimonies. Most of them came from all different campuses.

This time, after this service I really tried my best at meeting some people. I asked officially about volunteering for Youth America, and got a name to ask for and said I would come back the next Wednesday night. I met a girl named Liz who is from their Stillwater campus. She was planning on volunteering on the third week. I can't remember now what day, so I don't know if I'll see her again. It felt good taking a risk, and the person I talk to actually being a great person. It was storming outside, mostly just bad lightning. We both left at the same time since it was long after the service had ended. When we left, she seemed really excited about life and said she loves this kind of weather, pointing up at the lightning in the clouds. I felt like a human being, meeting someone like her and not feeling alone for a short time. I went to my car, and leaned against it looking up at the storm clouds. Lightning was flashing back and forth and I talked to God with a sense of hope. I could have stood there forever, watching up in the sky but it started raining on me.

I left there feeling really good and uplifted. But I knew it was only a matter of time before the message slowly got picked away piece by piece from my mind and heart. I still have no one or people close to talk to, and my mind is like a broken record. Within a few days, I had convinced myself out of believing what the message said. I want so much to believe these things, but I can't tell the difference between my thoughts or if they are lies.

I'm trying to cover the past two weeks with these posts. Honestly, I don't know how well I can keep up with what's going on in my life. I just can't find enough time to do anything, and then I gotta start all over with another week. I just can't keep up. I'm watching helplessly as each week of each month, each year passes by because I can't manage things and know what I'm supposed to do with my life, or if there even is a reason. That drive the keeps people wanting to live, I've lost that a long time ago. Living becomes something I dread. How is it possible to recover from this place, when I can't go on anymore? I'm a broken machine. I feel like I just popped up out of nowhere, out of thin air and have no reason to be here. I have no one to snap me out of it and it spirals deeper and deeper. Time is ticking, and my free time is slipping away and back to a life-sucking job. 75% of my life goes to cleaning cars that come right back dirty again, and I get 25% or whatever is left. My life is a broken record as are the thoughts in my head.

I hope when youth camp is over, on their Wednesday nights I can find someone who cares to listen. Is there anyone who will do that, not expecting me to give in return? I've got nothing to give. I've searched endlessly for a way out of this place and can't find one.

Forgiveness and the elusive truth

2010-07-14T15:34:00.017-05:00

I've been reading my New Living Translation bible I got from LifeChurch, and also following along with the study notes in my older Life Application Study Bible. There's something refreshing about reading scriptures that you already know, but are written in modern day English. The NLT bible is just like a paperback book.

In the past few months, I've been trying to worship God with all my heart. I've willingly sacrificed everything that was getting between me and Him, including what little television I watched and anything else. After LOST ended in May, I made the choice to give up the other shows I watch. I canceled my Netflix subscription and don't plan on going to the movies either, except for one which is coincidentally The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in December. All the other random things that I use as distractions, I've kept out of my life or tried. I did all this as a symbol to God of what I'm willing to give up to get out of this place I've been in for at least ten years and as an act of desperation. What I truly want more than anything in the world, is what God wants for me and to please Him. I want know Him so badly. I'm so tired of not having the closeness that I yearn for and being the kind of person I desire to be, in exchange for rubbish and material things. There's been a lot of silence around me for a while now. No more distractions I use as a crutch to help me hobble along in an unfulfilling life, and watching year after year pass by that I can never get back. I'm as committed as ever to scale this mountain and do whatever it takes to get over it. It sounds so easy when I type bold words, but it's no less unbearably difficult as it has ever been. One of the reasons I have never written about my life and the struggles, is how hard it is to sort through everything and putting it in writing. I could spend all my time writing about it, instead of living it. I have a difficult time managing my time, and I only feel like I live two days out of the week because of work. I get distracted easily by things I don't usually get time for and it's like having little children all around me, begging for attention. I've got so much going on all at once.

This past Thursday night at City Rescue Mission, Josh Kouri was back and it was one of those services that confirms what you feel that God is already saying to you. Josh preached about the Parable of the Unforgiving Debtor:

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?”

“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

“Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

“But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’

Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

“But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

“His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

“When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

How ridiculous to think about how we can be bitter and hate other people for the things they've done to us, yet seek God's forgiveness for ourselves. Compared to what we did to Jesus, how insignificant do those things seem? Over the past seven years, covering three jobs, I've built up an incredible amount of bitterness towards people that I have worked with. When people hurt me and take advantage of me, it tends to stick to me. It's like I wear this velcro suit and I pick up every single little thing that comes at me. I've held onto unforgiveness and bitterness for so long that it's grown roots deep inside me, and I can't easily pull it out. It feels impossible. I naturally think that I'm hurting people back by hating their guts and resenting them. All it ends up doing is slowly eating me from the inside out.

I truly feel that the wall I've always felt between me and God, no matter how hard I tried to communicate and worship has been all this unforgiveness towards the people who have "wronged" me. Most of these people have long forgotten me by now, but I still relive the past and hold onto the hurt. I actually think that I'm paying them back by looking back at them with hatred. I've realized how absolutely shameful I am as a person, calling myself a follower of Jesus, praying and begging Him to have mercy on me and keeping all this poison in me. I've held on to it for so long, it's almost a part of me and I don't know how to get rid of it.

What's the hardest of all is my family relationship, or lack thereof. It's pretty much non existent. All the important people who should be in my life, I've grown so distant for so long that it's like I have no family at all. I don't even know how to interact like a normal person.

It's so difficult for me to write. Imagine you've got a puzzle that you dump out of the box onto a table. Without even looking on the box to see what it is, you throw it away. When I try to write, the process in my head is a lot like that. You have a mess on the table you can't make sense of, and all you can do is pick up random pieces and try to fit it together. That's a visualization of the process going on in my head. It's like I'm trying to be a counselor for myself, but that's like people put into a hospital to take care of themselves. I've only got these narrow windows of opportunity to do every single thing I've got going on in my life besides work, and I feel like I need a hundred lifetimes to take care of it, instead of maybe the four hours I get to myself on a typical day. Some people might think, hey you had four hours to do that. Well for me, I would need a whole day just to write something. By then, time has moved on and I'm wasting my life just recording it, instead of living it. Time is like this unstoppable wall, pushing me forward and I'm stumbling along or crawling on the floor trying to keep up with it. It just doesn't seem practical or within my abilities. I don't know what the answer is. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of ADD. What can take someone an hour can take me all day.

I've been wrestling with a lot of things. At work, my mind is on other things and that's how I can cope with doing the same monotonous, repetitive work every day. By wrestling, I mean it's a constant war going on in my mind and heart over where I stand in my relationship with Jesus. I desire with all my heart to be one of those people who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt where they are and it's a fact in their heart that He loves them. They have that solid ground to stand on. With me, everything is constantly shifting. I don't know if it's demonic spirits in my head confusing me, twisting scriptures and distorting it to make me doubt. I've looked at things from every possible perspective. Truth is the most elusive thing in the world. For every person who believes one truth and gives Scripture to support it, there are others with their own Scripture that they show as evidence to prove their view. It's this constant shifting, back and forth in my head that makes me spiritually nauseous. If I can use that kind of analogy. Looking back at my entire life, none of it makes any sense to me. So many things have happened that makes it very difficult or impossible to determine what is the truth anymore. I've completely lost track of who I am and what my identity is. Now that I realize how much hate, unforgiveness, and bitterness has been left to grow up like weeds and sink roots into every part of my being, what do I believe in now? I'm in a constant state of confusion, until I don't even know what the truth is anymore. I can sit here and tell you that I'm being manipulated by spirits, who by the way know Scripture better than most people and are twisting it to confuse me. But what if it is true? The bible says that God won't forgive me if I don't forgive others. At what point is that taken care of? What if there's someone I forget? What if it's almost impossible for me to forgive, even knowing that I've done far worse to God and still hope that he forgives me? It's like a vicious cycle. It's a long distance relationship that's had so many ups and downs that I really don't know where it stands anymore. I wake up in the morning and feel dead. I just don't feel anymore. I know that truth revealed in Scripture, and my feelings are two separate things. But what I would give, to have something that would banish doubt forever. Something that could give me some solid ground to stand on. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not having a way to let it out, and being isolated for so long has literally made me unstable. I'll be honest to say I'm just unstable. Is it something not me, manipulating my thoughts, or is it just me? I can't tell the difference anymore. My thought process is like a skipping record.

I hate the sin in my life so much. I want to be a caring person, but I don't care. I'm selfish. I don't love the people around me. I'm so overwhelmed and absorbed with myself that I cannot help anyone around me. I have no stability. All the while, it's constant negative reinforcement all along the way. "You're useless to God. You haven't been abiding in Christ and He's cursed you like the fig tree that doesn't produce fruit." Is that a lie? That's exactly where I am. I'm way past the point of being able to fight any longer and know truth from a lie. I want to believe in the hope I hear in the music on the radio all day. I want to believe it's true, and demonic/evil spirits have gotten between that hope and my ears. Everything becomes doubt. For example, I hear a song like the old one "More" from Matthew West.

I remember first hearing this about five years ago. There was a time when I could hear something on the radio, and think "Hey God wanted me to hear that." And I desperately want to embrace what it says.

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more 

(Chorus)
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun


And you shine for me

I want to believe in the hope of songs like this so much but I just can't anymore. I don't shine for God. The thought that comes to mind is that God does really love those other people, but me I can forget it. There are the people who embrace it because they know it's true beyond doubt, and then there's me who wrestles with it on a daily basis. If it were true, why can't I believe it anymore? Why does it have to be so hard and difficult for me? That in turns leads to more doubt, like well if God did care you wouldn't be like you are.

I was a pretty big fan of the Lord of the Rings movies when they came out. It's one of the kinds of things that I've put aside since it doesn't lead me closer to God and is just one of many distractions. I have to just look at it like it is. But I still know enough about it that it still comes to mind. There's a few scenes in the first half of the second film The Two Towers where you have King Theoden and his "adviser" Grima Wormtongue. Theoden was once a mighty king to the people of Rohan, who were plains people and horse riders. In the story, there's a great conflict that's driving the world into a war of good versus evil. The people of Rohan would make great allies for the side of good, but their King has been compromised. His adviser, Wormtongue is really in alligiance to one of the evil wizards on the side of evil. Over the course of years, Grima Wormtongue uses his powers of speech with the king to slowly turn him into this shadow of the man he once was. He lost all ability to listen and think with a clear mind and only sits on his throne, a shriveled old man who is in a trance to Grima's poisonous words.

I can sit here and tell you this analogy feels a lot like what is going on with me. I want to be able to stand and say "Yes, that's exactly what's going on." But is it?

Is God for me, or against me? I don't even deserve to say Jesus' name. When I pray, is it the Jesus who I read about in the Gospels, or the Jesus of the Second Coming who won't put up with screwed up people like myself? Despite my greatest desires and faith that God would make it all work out for the better, I'm not satisfied at all with what I've managed to do with my life. It's not a matter of, "Well then just change it then." I've never been able to "help myself". I have nothing solid to stand on, and there's no way I can just figure it out. It's obvious I cannot do that.

Jesus said that He would not forgive anyone who does not forgive others. Well that's been me for a very long time. How could I not see that until now? Everything I do, and everything I am would lead me to believe I'm nothing but an enemy. I haven't visited people in prison, cared for the sick, clothed the poor. I can't deal with the problems, so I put distractions in my life like people who drink do to drown out the sorrows and numb the pain. I'm doing the best I can right now, putting all that away and trying to face it. But still, it's just me. I need some serious counseling or people who are in a position to help me. They can't expect me to be a "friend" that gives, because I'm not in a position to give anything. I desperately want to be that person that doesn't take, but gives. But it's not where I am. I feel like I'm way too far gone, and need some intervention from God or a breakthrough. I don't know what the answers are.

What first gave me back hope back in May, was the idea that God has always been for me and won't let me leave His hands. He loves me and uses things in my life to teach me. That small amount of stability is what got me out of complete despair and living in the "scorched earth" viewpoint of my life. At first, it was sites like Got Questions? and their "once saved always saved" viewpoint. It gave me a lot of hope. But I want the truth, that's all I care about. I want to know the real Jesus. From their website:

Question: "Is eternal security Biblical?"

Answer: When people come to know Christ as their Savior, they are brought into a relationship with God that guarantees their eternal security. Jude 24 declares, "To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy." God's power is able to keep the believer from falling. It is up to Him, not us, to present us before His glorious presence. Our eternal security is a result of God keeping us, not us maintaining our own salvation.

The Lord Jesus Christ proclaimed, "I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand" (John 10:28-29b). Both Jesus and the Father have us firmly grasped in their hand. Who could possibly separate us from the grip of both the Father and the Son?

Ephesians 4:30 tells us that believers are "sealed for the day of redemption." If believers did not have eternal security, the sealing could not truly be unto the day of redemption, but only to the day of sinning, apostasy, or disbelief. John 3:15-16 tells us that whoever believes in Jesus Christ will "have eternal life." If a person were to be promised eternal life, but then have it taken away, it was never "eternal" to begin with. If eternal security is not true, the promises of eternal life in the Bible would be in error.

The most powerful argument for eternal security is Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Our eternal security is based on God's love for those whom He has redeemed. Our eternal security is purchased by Christ, promised by the Father, and sealed by the Holy Spirit.

The more I started reading my bible again, there were always verses that put doubt in my mind. By the way, I just happened to stumble upon that Got Questions? website, and the same would happen with another website called GreatBibleStudy.com. This site has a lot of articles about demonic oppression and things that I really feel are what I'm dealing with. If you don't know what I mean, or understand that, or think it's some kind of weird fringe thing then you probably will never get what I'm talking about. I'm really, truly glad you can't imagine. But despite all that information regarding that, they have a much different view of the "once saved always saved" belief. Just when I think God has sent me something I need to understand, there's always a bit of truth here, and something else contradicting another thing I read. It's constantly shifting back and forth, back and forth. Here's their view of the OSAS viewpoint:

Is once saved always saved true?
Or is it only giving false security?

This subject is one that I believe the devil has done much damage. If a person is saved and tormented by guilt and shame, then the devil will accuse them of not being saved. This is used by the enemy to bring much fear, torment and condemnation into a person's life. There is no need to fear losing your salvation, if you know how much that God loves you, how merciful of a God we serve, and how we are not saved by works but by grace. Are we living a worldly lifestyle? Are we holding unforgiveness in our hearts? Now that's another story.

I strongly encourage you to consider the whole gospel of salvation, as it is VERY much filled with hope and the love of God, and not to simply look at this teaching and feel condemned. It is my hope that this teaching motivates you to get serious about your relationship with God and forgive those whom have wronged you. That is what Jesus is asking of us! To love Him with our whole heart, and to love one another as He has forgiven us. Is that asking too much, after all that He has done for us? Not at all.

Those who need to hold tightly to the once-saved theory, are those who's minds are bound in dead religion. They do not grasp the concept of God's love, grace, and mercy towards us, and therefore need to feel secure, because they do not feel worthy as they are attempting to be saved by works. They feel that one mistake, and God is angry with them. This is not true, but to somebody who has religious strongholds and spirits (demons), this is too big of a reality to overlook. If this is you, then I encourage you to read my teachings on Exposing Dead Religion and The Jesus of the Bible. If you cling tightly to the once-saved theory, then you have some serious bondages to religion and should resolved those through spiritual warfare and deliverance and establish your intimate relationship with God.
It is my heart's desire with this teaching to do two things: (a) break up the nonsense of once-saved theology which is costing the body of Christ numerous number of souls every year, and (b) provide comfort and truth to those who are tormented constantly over fear of losing their salvation. If you think that you're going to lose your salvation every time you slip up, then you are not living in grace but legalism, and do not understand your relationship with God, and as a result, you will constantly fear loss of your salvation and fall into condemnation.
Why is it so important to preach against once-saved? Because millions of souls are in hell because the church has not done it's job educating the body. While we are out evangelizing the sinners, there are people in our own congregations that are on their way to hell. Why? One good reason is unforgiveness. The Bible is crystal clear that if we don't forgive those who wrong us, then we are not going to receive forgiveness for our own sins, and as a result, we abide in spiritual death.

For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death. Whosoever hateth his brother is a murderer: and ye know that no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him.

1 John 3:14-15

What does love have to do with forgiving others? Everything! We are commanded to love and forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. The Bible tells us that love covers (forgives) sin that others have done against us.

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity [love] shall cover the multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:8

Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.

Proverbs 10:12

If I am right, and I have every reason to believe that I am, then there are millions of Christians who are on their way to hell right now because there are unresolved issues of unforgiveness in their hearts towards at least one person who has wronged them.
John Bevere wrote an anointed book entitled The Bait of Satan. This book contains the most anointed, scriptural, and motivating message on unforgiveness that I have ever heard. It is not written in a condemnation manner at all, but rather conviction to get us serious about our forgiving others. It is a must-read for any believer in Christ!

The OSAS arguments considered

There are several passages in the Bible which are used in an attempt to prove that we cannot lose our salvation. I want to take a closer look at some of the most common theories in this teaching.
"Nobody can pluck us from the Father's hand" (John 10:28-29)
If you back up one more verse, you'll find some missing information about this passage; in verse 27, we find that true sheep will follow Christ:

My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.

John 10:27-28

In regards to somebody plucking us out of the Father's hand, this is referring to men who would attempt to remove us from the Father's hand. It would be dangerous if men were able to remove us from the hand of God, wouldn't it? No man can take eternal life away from us, regardless how hard they try. Just as no man can force us to sin, but we, by our own choice, can fall into sin. We are told to abide (remain) in Jesus, and when we do, we will produce much fruit. If we do not abide in Jesus, and therefore fail to bear fruit, then we can be removed from the vine (Jesus) and thrown into the fire to be burned. Apparently, this is referring to people who were a branch in Jesus, and were removed because they did not abide in Jesus' words.

"Nothing can separate us from the love of God" (Romans 8:38-39)
Again, this is speaking of outside influences and not about what we ourselves can do. While nobody else can separate us from God's love, we can depart from the love relationship that God desires with us. Consider this passage:

If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.

John 15:10

Apparently it is possible to not keep His commands, and fail to abide (remain) in His love.
Now don't get me wrong, God's love for us is GREAT and His mercy is DEEP. But to say that we can become Satanists and completely turn our backs on God and die in that state, then expect God's love... we are only fooling ourselves.
"We cannot die if we have eternal life" (John 11:26)
According to this passage, if we fail to love one another, we have no eternal life abiding in us:

"The gifts of God are without repentance" (Romans 11:29)
God isn't going to offer you something then turn around and change His mind. That is what it is saying here. The offer to abide in Christ is available to the world, but that doesn't mean that once we are in Christ, we will always abide in Him. However, if we are given and we do not make use of it, it can be taken from us:

For I say unto you, That unto every one which hath shall be given; and from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him.

Luke 19:26

If a man abide [remain] not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.

John 15:6

"We are born of incorruptible seed" (1 Peter 1:23)
The incorruptible seed is Christ Jesus, or the Word (see John 1:1 & Luke 8:11), and yes, He is incorruptible. But the key is that we must remain or abide in Him, lest we be cast forth or removed from the vine:

Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit... If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned... If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you... If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love.

John 15:2, 6, 7, 10

Also look at this passage in the end of the Bible, where it tells us clearly that God can "take away his part in the book of life."

And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

Revelation 22:19

Apparently, the person was in the book of life, in order for God to remove him.
"We are sealed with the Holy Spirit" (Ephesians 1:13-14)
Being sealed with the Holy Spirit means that we are marked as God's property, and it's God's promise that He has great plans for us. We are like a peach tree which God has purchased and planted in His garden. We are marked as God's own property (sealed with the Holy Spirit), and planted in His garden (adopted into his family)... but we are also expected to bear fruit, lest we be removed.

And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 25:30

The Bible is very clear that a person can be in the Lamb's book of life, and then blotted out, so apparently, even though a person may be in the book of life at one point, it does not mean they will always have that eternal life... yes, it can be taken from them!

He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white raiment; and I will not blot out his name out of the book of life, but I will confess his name before my Father, and before his angels.

Revelation 3:5

According to the above verse, it is clear that a person can be in the book of life, and be blotted out. You have to first be in the book of life before you can be blotted out.
Suppose you gave your young teenager a brand new car, even though they couldn't yet drive, as a promise that if they stay in school and follow the path that is right for them, that when they are old enough to drive, you will make sure that they are taken care of. But there's a condition, and that son must do his part. Christ has done His part, but it's up to us to do ours. Jesus made it clear that we are to abide (remain) in Him, and if we remain in His love, we will not be cut off and thrown into the fire:

I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman [gardener]. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit... If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.

John 15:1-2,6

We are told to abide in Jesus' love (see John 15:4), and we do that by keeping His commands (see John 15:10). I believe that abiding in his love seals us by the Holy Spirit... that is where nothing can pluck you out of the Father's hand... you are in Christ and under His protection!
"It is not the will of God to lose any of his children" (John 6:39)
It's also the will of God for all to be saved, but apparently that isn't going to happen. Not everything that takes place on earth is the will of God. Just because He desires us to draw near to Him doesn't mean we follow through with it.
"But we are saved apart from works, lest any man shall boast!" (Ephesians 2:9)
This is true! We are not saved by works, but by faith. The Bible is clear about this:

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

But right after that passage, it tells us that we were created unto good works. Our initial salvation does not require works (we cannot earn our way to heaven), but after we are saved, our faith (if it is genuine) ought to begin to yield fruit of righteousness and goodness in our lives. The Bible goes on to tell us that if our faith does not yield these things, then it is dead:

But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead? ... Ye see then how that by works a man is justified, and not by faith only.

James 2:20

Let me make it very clear that we are not earning the forgiveness of our sins by any means. That price we cannot pay no matter how many good works we do. We are not earning the forgiveness of our sins, but rather living unto the Lord as a result of our genuine faith in Him. If our faith is genuine, it will prove itself. If our faith does not prove itself with fruits of righteousness, then it is dead.
Now don't get me wrong, nobody is going to accept Jesus and live a flawless life from that moment on; it is definitely a growing process. But it is also completely unacceptable for a person to still live a worldly lifestyle after years of being a Christian. The Bible speaks of being transformed into the image of His Son, which is a process. Fruit does not necessarily grow overnight, but it is expected of us.
If you put a peach tree in your garden in the spring, do you expect it to bear fruit right away? Not really. But as the months go on, that tree needs to begin growing fruit, so that when harvest time comes around, it is a profitable tree and an asset to your garden. If harvest time comes around and it still has no fruit, then what do you do with it? You remove it, and use that space for a different tree, which will hopefully bear fruit. The same is true in the kingdom of God:

And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 25:30

Is God for me or against me? What is the truth?? Does He want to help me, or has He already cursed me and moved on? My life is in constant torment and anguish over these questions. I can't keep living like this. Do I want to believe in hope because that's what my itching ears want to hear?

You know, imagine a little kid. You have a toy and give it to them and their eyes light up and they're so happy. Then you turn around and steal it back from them. After a while, they begin to trust you and you give the toy back for a while. But then you steal it back once again. After a while, the little kid isn't going to know who you are, what you think and is traumatized to the point of not knowing what's going on anymore. That's where I'm at right now, and really I've been there all along. Probably the past ten years, and has lead to the waste of most of my life.

Facts:

I don't love people with unconditional love. I haven't produced fruit, even though I want to with all my heart. I haven't abided in Christ's love and kept His commandments. I haven't done what He said. I've been materialistic and neglected Him out of fear and doubt. I'm selfish and uncaring. I've hated and harbored unforgiveness towards many people, which makes me a murderer. Don't get me started with adultery. I have no relationship with my parents, brother and close family. There goes "Honor your father and mother." I used to be off on Sundays, but didn't go to church. "Keep the sabbath". Now I have to work Sundays.

Is God working for or against me? Who knows. This truly must be what Hell is like. I can't tell you how all this makes my life feel completely worthless. Feeling the disapproval of my own Creator gives me indescribable pain. You people who aren't here, you cannot relate. The people out there who truly belong to Christ just get it, because it's true. What does that say about people like me? If it were true, why do I have to live like this? No human being can function in this state. What's the solution? Who can help? I can't take this anymore.

City Rescue Mission, LifeChurch, The House FM, CUFI, Desperation and Mission of Mercy

2010-07-01T01:29:00.011-05:00

I just haven't gotten around to posting much this month. There's so much that's been happening that I need to write about.

I'm still not able to get Sundays off from work. My only options are Thursday nights at City Rescue Mission and Saturday services at LifeChurch.tv. Well it seems like a long time ago now, but I did decide to just step out in faith and go to the City Rescue Mission service that Frontline Church does. I don't regret it at all now. That first night, I walked in and met some of the church crew who manage traffic outside, parking, and handle the kids that come in. I could hear a band rehearsing somewhere inside so I went ahead and followed the music. Down the hallway, past the cafeteria and inside a big room with a stage is where the services are held. I was one of the first people to get a seat and I just waited for people to arrive, since I was pretty early. I made it a point to sit in the very front but wasn't sure at all what to expect so I just played it by ear. The band that was playing was mostly young guys around my age. They did some familiar songs and actually did Revelation Song at the end which I thought was a nice addition. Josh Kouri the pastor at Frontline did the preaching that first night. He's real down to earth and passionate about the message he delivers and it was really good. He talked about how real the spiritual battle is in a Christian's life, like being in a war zone. He mentioned a trip to Africa he took a few years ago, with a real native guide who took him deep into the wilderness. He's a pretty big guy, but talked about how he was completely relying on his guide who grew up in the African bush to protect him from lions that could be hiding anywhere waiting to pounce on them. The devil is just like a lion roaming around looking for it's next victim. This really hit home for me because I felt like some of the people he talked about that were in their church who have been ripped to shreds by the devil. That's pretty much how I would describe myself. The whole atmosphere in the service was Spirit-filled and I felt like I was in the right kind of place. There's a lot of hurting people there because it's a rescue mission for all kinds of people. The emotion you see and the worship are all real. After the service was over, I waited a bit for Josh to finish talking with a lady and introduced myself. I had emailed him a few times before about my story and coming to Frontline. We only talked for about a minute or less. I asked if he needed any help and he got me hooked up with their service crew (the guys I had met when I first walked in). I really wasn't sure about being on staff yet, because I just desperately needed to be a part of the service since I had not been in a church in a long time. I didn't want to miss anything and didn't want to take on responsibilities like that just yet. I really want to help out however I can, but it seems kind of difficult doing both at the same time. The next Thursday night I was supposed to start on the crew, but I talked to them about it and they said it's alright if I just need to be in the service and join later when I felt like God wanted me to do it.

But the biggest thing I got out of the service that night, were meeting some of the guys afterwards. Most people left after it was over, but I just sort of stood around hoping to talk to somebody or seeing if anyone came over to me. I have an incredibly hard time with meeting new people and starting conversations. Especially when I don't know a single person around me. I noticed some younger guys hanging around the front of the stage, and I eventually edged my way closer and tried to be a part of their discussion. Some of them were praying for each other, and I just knew I needed some kind of fellowship and prayer. I started talking to two guys named Matthew and Ryan. I really had no idea what to say to them or why I was there, since I almost never talk about myself or my faith. I've been so isolated and have walked with God all on my own for so long, I felt so awkward and could not find words to explain myself. They agreed to pray over me, which is something nobody had done for me in many years. It felt so good to have words of encouragement spoken over me that weren't just the usual things I tell myself. After I was prayed over, the other people decided to pray over Ryan who is probably the youngest out of the group. Everyone laid hands on him, including myself and they prayed for close to thirty minutes it seemed like. Long after most people had left, we were still there praying over this young guy's life and his walk with God. I did not pray out loud of course, since I had not done that since my last mission trip back in 2002. While they prayed, I wished so much that I was being prayed over and the words of encouragement were for me, but it was getting late. The older guy named Shane who seemed to be a leader and had been a part of the service asked if everyone wanted to eat at T.G.I. Friday's. I'm always up for eating out, since that would give me a chance to meet them and perhaps open up about myself. The tough thing is though, I have to open up early on Friday morning at Avis and there's no way I can get a proper amount of sleep after staying out late. But I figured I just needed to make a sacrifice in order to meet these guys, so I agreed to go out with them.

I really could not afford to be eating out, and spending extra money driving up to the north side of town and back but I threw aside the doubts and trusted in God to take care of that. As always, I have an extremely hard time opening up and just talking to new people. I mostly just tagged along like I always do and listened to their stories. The whole group consisted of Matthew, Ryan, Shane, Zack, Verla and a couple other guys who I can't remember their names. I became friends on Facebook with a few of them by the end of the night. They seemed like the kind of people that could help me a lot if I got to know them better. Some of the stories were about the amazing things God has done through them with the Holy Spirit in other people's lives. That's just what I was needing, real people who genuinely walk with God and let His Spirit work through them.

The next Thursday night was easier and I felt a little more comfortable. Again I made it an point to sit right up front and expect God to be there and speak to me. This time it was a different group of people leading worship and another person preaching. The man who did the sermon was an older man, but I could tell right away that he would encourage the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts and minds of the people there. That's what I'm desperately needing, for the Spirit to work in my heart and do things that I am powerless to change. He spoke about how some people have this "cloud" over their lives that keeps them from being what God wants them to be and having closeness. That sounded a lot like the barrier I've always felt between me and God that I have wanted so much to shatter. I tried to stay as focused on the message and what God was saying to me as I could. He invited people to come down and get prayed over if you were ready for God to begin removing the "cloud". Quite a few people came up, and Matthew prayed over me again. I wish I could say something miraculous changed in me or I felt different, but like always I just feel dead inside and numb to whatever is there.

It seems that Shane's idea of eating at Friday's has been the standard custom with those guys so I went again with them, hoping for some real fellowship. It seems as always, I'm like the tag-along person that nobody knows. The one who does more listening, or doesn't seem to fit in with the rest. I always feel like I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. I did feel more comfortable than the previous week. Just to be in the atmosphere with stronger believers is helpful for me. Shane is the kind of person with the spiritual gift that he can hear words from the Holy Spirit that are for people around him. During the service that night, he was on stage and spoke things towards a few people in the audience that he felt the Holy Spirit wanted them to hear. It's hard to describe to someone what it is I feel almost every waking minute. I feel afraid and just scared about things. I'm scared to death of just living and feel dread for what tomorrow will bring like I've got nothing solid to hold onto. If someone were to single me out and ask me a question about myself, I literally can't talk like my mouth is gagged. It feels like someone has broken into my home, bound and then gagged me. If I make a single movement in protest, I get punched in the ribs and I can't shout for help. I don't know how else to explain it. Just a constant spirit of fear and hopelessness that I want so badly to just be free from. I want so much to be free from this bondage I'm in and be the kind of person I want to be. There isn't anything I can do to get released from it. I don't know if it's just anxiety about talking about myself, since I almost never do that or being around people in a social setting or what. It's confusion and not knowing what to say to people if they asked me a real question. All I can do is just shake my head and try not to stutter. I've had such little amount of real interaction with people or any affection, that I really just don't know how to respond to it. Whatever part of me that responds to that, or feels love is damaged or missing. It's impossible for me to feel real love that Jesus displayed for people, when I don't feel that love for myself. How can I be real and passionate for the cause of Christ when I don't experience it myself? What does that say about me? I don't know what to do to change that, no matter how many times I read scripture and have it told to me. There is something really wrong with me and I can't figure it out.

I'm so past the point of trying to figure things out on my own. That is how I ended up where I'm at. I need to find someone to help carry the weight of it and help me sort through the mess. It's shameful to admit to someone that your life is out of your control and you need help with it. Everyone has their own share of struggles, and I feel like I'm adding weight to what they already have. It makes me feel so pathetic and ashamed.

Besides the service at the City Rescue Mission on Thursday nights, I also started going to LifeChurch.tv's Saturday night service. Not long ago, I was a part of one of their online church services that they have regularly through the day. I had heard of them for years, but didn't really have an idea what they were like. They have a main campus where the pastor Craig Groeschel does the sermon, but then they broadcast that same message to all the other campuses around the city. The online service is the same message for the week, but they have a chat room where people can discuss and as the message is given, things on the screen automatically pop up like the sermon notes and a "prayer button" to talk to a live person who can pray with you. There's also a button that comes available to give a show of hands like you would in agreement in a real service. The closest LifeChurch to me is on the south side of OKC. A few people I knew at First Southern had left and gone to them. One was Zack, who I used to help do the audio/video type stuff on Wednesday nights for youth and other times. I still have not seen or talked to him in years, and I'm not sure which campus he serves at. But the main guy, and only guy I know at the south side campus is J.T. Murrell. I had not seen J.T. in nine or ten years. If anyone has read my testimony, I talked about the night that I saw Darrell Scott speak at Del City H.S. for First Southern Baptist Church's Starlite event and mentioned a guy who was playing guitar with students outside the stadium.

Well that was actually J.T. I would not meet him until months later when I started going to First Southern later that year in 2000. It's funny how things like that work out. The last real time I remember J.T. is when I did my first mission trip to Salt Lake City in 2001. I think it was actually before Shannon O'Dell the student minister left the church, that J.T. went on to LifeChurch. I had contacted him on Facebook before I visited to see if he remembered me. At first, I just wanted to share with him how he had a part in my long testimony and how I never thought or just never got around to telling him about it. I actually remember when they first opened the south side campus back in 2005. I just happened to see J.T.'s name on there as the worship leader and I had always wondered what happened to him.

So I stop at the Saturday night service at LifeChurch, not having much idea what to expect. It's a really nice place that looks like it used to be a Home Depot or something. Inside is very huge with a lot of open space. They've got a children's play area and a place to buy coffee and drinks. The auditorium is pretty big too. They've got three huge screens and even more smaller screens and the service is like a concert more than what you would expect in church. There's smoke, lights, and sound like a rock concert. That first visit, I didn't even see J.T. until he actually walked up to me. He looked just the same as I remember him. He was actually not going to be doing worship that night because he was doing some moving with a U-Haul truck. He's working on a new house out in a new neighborhood on the southwest side. So yet again, I'm in a completely new place with nothing but strangers, as I always am. The current series they are doing is called One Prayer, bringing churches around the world into one united spirit of prayer. The service there on Saturdays, and I'm assuming Sundays too, is mostly listening to Craig or whoever preaches on a screen, and then the actual pastor at that particular church talks or does an altar call. When the service was over, most people leave and go about their busy lives. The service I attend is the 5pm service, and there's another one at 6:30pm. So by the time the first service is over, there are already new people coming in. One of the things they offered at the end of the service are these What's Next kits with a New Living Translation New Testament and some CDs with introductions from Pastor Craig in them to help you on your new walk with Christ. I asked if I could pick up one of these and they said certainly, and even asked if I wanted two but I declined. I've been reading this NLT New Testament the past few weeks and re-reading the Gospels, and simultaneously going through the study parts of my NIV Bible. This NLT Bible is just like a softcover book instead of a Bible. It's even easier to understand than NIV.

The second visit to LifeChurch.tv on the next Saturday was pretty much the same. This time J.T. did worship and it was the first time since 2001 that I had been in a service with him leading worship. In a way, it took me back to the good times of the first two years of going to First Southern. Thinking back now, to those first nights that I was in the youth services and then later the college services, it was always J.T. doing music. My memory is hazy, but I do remember vaguely how surprised I was to run into the same guy from Starlite that evening was doing the music again at this church. It brings up mixed feelings, looking at the past ten years of my life. I try to find meaning under every memory and event I've experienced and it all feels hollow to me. I feel like I'm more of a lonely traveler wandering into real people's lives, than I actually have any reason for my own. Like I'm only here to observe other people fulfill their lives, watching from the sidelines.

Well to the few who know me at all, you might know some of my best friends God has put in my life and given me the privilege of knowing are the guys at the The House FM radio station in Ponca City. For some reason, I've been allowed to be a small part of what they do in reaching Oklahoma with positive and uplifting Christian radio over the past five years. I really don't see much of what I've done with them as amounting to much. I drive up and visit them at least a few times a year for things like Kid DJ Day or just whenever I'm feeling like coming up. I try to help at local concerts that they do in the OKC metro. I use the term "help" loosely. I'm more of a tag-along with limited usefulness. Lately I've found this role as an unofficial videographer for things they have going on. I have almost no experience until recently with doing video, since I had previously been into photography before getting burnt out on it. It's kind of a long story, like everything is with me, how I got to know them.

Up until 2004 I never listened to Christian music. Previously the only thing I really listened to was classical on KCSC 90.1. I had a musical background when I was in school, formerly being lead clarinet in high school band. One downside to setting an alarm clock to classical is sometimes it doesn't even wake you up, but keep you asleep. But I still have a spot for it, but hardly listen much anymore. The main reason I never listened to Christian music was primarily because of this website. If you listen to what this person says about Contemporary Christian Music, you would think that it's all heretical garbage that will send people to hell. Primarily this page titled Christian Rock: Blessing or Blasphemy. After reading through it with a genuine heart of not wanting things that were not Godly in my life, I avoided having anything to do with Christian music.

As a side note, they also have a very strong stance on modern translations of the Bible including the NIV, NKJV, and anything else besides the standard King James Version. They say that anything other than KJV is a corruption of the original text and is pretty much full of lies and alterations. Naturally, along with what their views of Contemporary Christian Music are, I went along with what they said here as well. You know, all the way up until 2007, my one single Bible I had was the original one my grandparents gave me on my birthday in 1997 when I first started going back to church with them. It was a King James Bible. You have any idea how hard it is to understand God's Word when you are a new believer and you have nobody at all who has taken it upon themselves to teach you what it says? One of the big reasons I never picked up my Bible and had a hunger for it was because I couldn't understand most of the Old English speaking in it. I missed so much all these years by believing what other people were saying instead of looking at it for myself. I thought I was doing a good thing by avoiding modern translations like NIV. When I did try to read my Bible, certain passages felt like they were condemning me and made me feel like I had no hope because I had sinned too much. In 2007 when I finally got a Life Application Study Bible in NIV with explanations of the texts on the bottom and I was actually able to understand God's Word, it was like opening up the Bible for the first time. I revisited certain texts in Hebrews that now made more sense to me, and other things that are impossible for a new Christian to know by reading archaic King James. Plus what I mentioned earlier about the NLT Bible I picked up at LifeChurch, it makes Scripture come alive and it's just like reading it in modern English.

Looking through this now, after all the stuff I've been a part of since 2006, I don't want to say it's laughable but I can't imagine not knowing all the music that I have come to love. It's done so much for my life and given me songs to sing to God that I can't imagine my life without it. I can see where the people come from and I understand that, but I think they're a little overboard on this. They portray these people as if they're wolves in sheep's clothing and they don't even know them. I believe in being totally set apart from the way this world is, and living for the high standards God has for us as His children. We're not to be polluted with the ways of this present world and be captivated and lead away from God's plan for us by things that will pass away. We are here for a reason, not to live for ourselves but to run our race diligently and with purpose. But I would definitely have to say that Christian music has done much more for me than anything they would have you believe. For example, take my job I do every day cleaning cars for Avis. I cannot tell you how burnt out and tired I am of doing such a pointless job, and knowing all the hard work I do on these cars, how they will come back just as dirty as they were before. Nothing I can imagine could amount to less than what I do. But the one thing that gets me through the day, is constantly having my mind on God and thinking about Him and having music on the radio that helps me stay focused on Him. A lot of times, it's a big distraction but I don't care because I'm giving moments out of the day devoted to Him in worship. A lot of songs lately are almost written like they are just for me. It helps me so much to have that particular song that always seems to play at the right moment and it refreshes my heart and mind. It's encouragement that I don't get anywhere else.

I mentioned this in a previous post, but the very first Christian CDs I ever bought were back in 2000. After hearing the first Christian music I had ever heard in a "Christian Teens" Yahoo chat room, I bought the old 1999 WOW Worship Blue and Yellow albums. Both of them contained two discs. The other CD was Hungry from Vineyard. This album has a lot of sentimental value for me. It was the first one that I really let the music minister to me and speak to my heart. It was also the first music that I ever worshiped God listening to. Lots of tears.

I forget now how it all began with radio. Perhaps it was when I got in a car to clean it, it was on a Christian station perhaps. I don't know. But for the first year I started listening, it was K-LOVE. I remember back then, the only artists I were familiar with were Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant. Probably because both of them played at the Columbine memorial service the Saturday after the shooting on April 24 1999 . The shooting had a huge impact on Michael W. Smith. So a lot of the first artists I learned about were from that first year of listening to K-LOVE. Artists like Jeremy Camp, Chris Rice, Mercyme, David Crowder and many others. Back then, all I heard were the songs, and I would have a Post-It note or scrap of paper and write down the lyrics I heard. I literally didn't know a single person who wrote these songs then. That's funny to imagine now. When I got home, I would have to Google the lyrics to see if I could find the artist. I don't think K-LOVE had a playlist of what songs they played back then. Speaking of Mercyme, the song I Can Only Imagine Mercyme at the Bricktown Ballpark downtown. was a song I first heard in college sunday school and J.T. would sing it. I had no clue who sang that song or really had an interest then. I'm talking about back in 2001 now. In 2004 I heard the actual song for the first time. I think it was maybe 2005, I went to my first Christian concert, which was

After about a year of listening to K-LOVE and learning a lot of artists and songs, I would discover another Christian radio station that broadcasts locally in Oklahoma that I would eventually stick with from then until the present day. Back when I worked for a rental car company that I shant name, I was on my way up to Stillwater delivering a cargo van to a FedEx there for a customer when I was flipping through different stations. It's a pretty boring drive and I don't think I had been there before. I was following some other guys who were also driving vans. The radio landed on a station that I had never heard before called The House FM. They were playing a tobyMac song that I had never heard too. Up until then, I had no idea that there was a Christian station that was in Oklahoma. It was really refreshing to hear new music and new people after hearing the same stuff on K-LOVE. This station had a new feel to it that I fell in love with. The people on the air were funny and I liked the vibe. The first two people I heard that day were from the McCoy in the Morning show, Brent McCoy and Janelle Keith. These two had such a unique chemistry. I liked how I also got local weather and concert news for a change.

In 2006, I started a unique hobby. After a Sanctus Real concert, the band came out and was signing autographs. They are one of my favorite bands, and the idea of getting a photo signed from them was something I couldn't pass up. It was after this show that I got inspired to go to every single Christian concert that was in the city and collect signed autographs from all the artists I could. I spent the next few years going to all kinds of places, including arenas, churches and many others. I got so many unique opportunities to meet artists and cool stories that I would never have had otherwise. I talk about all of them on my autograph stories page. One of the first concerts was seeing Todd Agnew, Starfield, and Barlow Girl at OBU. The week of that concert, I went to four shows all in one week. I never would match that many in such a short time in the years afterwards. I don't remember much from that show, because I didn't hang out after it was over. For some reason I didn't think to stay and get anything signed, which sounds like a no-brainer. I mention this show, because it was the first concert that The House FM was a part of right after they first went on the air in 2005. Perhaps I could have run into Brent and Janelle then or met somebody from the station, but I didn't. I really can't even remember seeing anything from the station. I had not been to OBU since a lot of college people at First Southern had graduated and moved on. A few times the church bus went out there to pick up or drop off people when we went on mission trips or the time we went rafting in Arkansas.

The next time I would run into people from The House FM was a Rebecca St. James concert that was actually in Ponca City. I haven't been back to the city since then, because the House is actually not in the city but they are a few miles west. I remember being in line and recognizing Brent and Janelle's voice and seeing what they look like. I didn't think to meet them then, which seems odd looking back. It wasn't until I saw Matt Kearney do a show at a mall in Enid, that I finally decided to meet Brent McCoy. He was there with another DJ named Carder Price. This was the beginning of a great friendship between me and the people at the station.

Over the years, I've tried my best to make them laugh and send funny stuff to them in emails, like news stories or pictures I did in Photoshop. A few things I made ended up on the main page of their website. On Fridays, they do what's called the Most Ridiculous News Stories. I started looking up news stories and sending them in and eventually that was something I did regularly and spent a lot of my time doing. I really enjoyed feeling like I was a part of something, even if it was very small in insignificant. It gave a bit of meaning to my otherwise directionless and dull life. If anyone has ever visited my blog before May of this year, you'll see that 99% of it is Most Ridiculous News Stories related or something similar to that. That's all I used to use this blog for until now. In 2007, I was one of the first people to get the iPhone the day it came out. I found out a way to get the House to stream through the Edge and 3G data network with an app called WunderRadio. Eventually the idea would turn into an actual House FM app that would become the first Christian radio station app on iTunes. There are many other things I've done that I won't get into in this post.

Getting back to the June updates, the past three Thursdays have been busy. The first Thursday, I drove up and volunteered for The House FM's Kid DJ Day again as I did last year. It's basically a day for people to bring their kids to the station and have a fun day learning about how the DJs do their radio magic, and do other fun things with inflatables, face painting and other stuff. Jed Castles from New Channel 9, and the severe weather team also visited to teach kids on how to be safe in bad weather and about tornadoes. This year they flew in on the News 9 helicopter. A storm chaser named Val Castor was also there. Like last year, my whole role was to help Jed do his presentation to the kids upstairs using my projector and laptop. I also got a lot of video that I posted on the House Facebook page.

The next Thursday, was the big Hello Tonight concert at the Zoo Amphitheatre, with Chris Tomlin and tobyMac. This was a heavily promoted show that The House was a part of. I got a lot of video and helped out wherever I could. It was really hot that day, but it was fun times. My mom was actually at this show, which is extremely odd considering she's never heard tobyMac or Chris Tomlin or cares for the music.

The next day on Friday, was another House FM deal I was involved in. Brent and Janelle did a live McCoy in the Morning show at a Chick-fil-A restaurant on the north side of town. I got there early and helped set up and did video yet again.

And yet again, on the third Thursday, I went to a Christians United For Israel event at UCO. I haven't talked much about this yet, but I've felt drawn to Israel for quite a long time now. I'm not sure about it yet, or why I feel drawn to Israel, but I definitely want to try and go on a tour there in the Fall of 2011. I've been thinking about teaching myself Hebrew and Arabic and perhaps doing something there in the future. I just don't know yet what that is or if it's what God wants. I'm just not sure about any of that yet. But I still want to show support for Israel and I believe today they need support from Christians in the United States now more than ever. I'll have to save this for another blog post in the future. I had not been to UCO since I saw Jars of Clay play there in 2006. I dressed up a little bit, thinking it was a bit of a formal thing. I was definitely one of the youngest people there. Violinist Serguei Popov performed beautifully and the regional CUFI speaker did a very informative presentation that went an hour over the scheduled time. It was definitely worth going. I also got a few things at tables including two CUFI magazines called Israel 101 and The Torch.

In other posts I have mentioned the Desperation Conference. From the first time I saw the preview trailer, it just gave me chills. I could devote an entire blog post about just this, but I want to mention it here because it's just one more thing on top of everything else that's going on. I really don't know if just anyone can go to this or not, but I really have this sense that I should attend next year after I move to Denver. Perhaps even try to attend New Life Church in Colorado Springs where this takes place. I'm just not sure yet on that, along with many other things. They just wrapped up the first conference this past weekend, and there is another one coming up in July. They did a live broadcast on UStream that I was able to watch some of it. I recorded all the video using software and I haven't been able to watch it all yet. But I'm telling you, what I have seen is so powerful. It's everything that I had imagined and hoped for. I feel that if I could attend this and expect God to show up there, I would leave forever changed. I know that I don't have to go somewhere special to find God because He's everywhere but I mean the experience with other believers, especially young people, would have a lasting impact on me. I have a soft spot for youth and teenagers, since I was a Junior in high school when Columbine happened. In one of the videos here, it's all worship with Desperation Band and Kari Jobe. In this post, I talk about how I saw them during their Heartwork Tour for children in Haiti.

I kind of feel that finding out about this conference has something to do with that and is a part of a serious of events the past few months. In one of the videos, pastor Joel Stockstill talks to the youth about uprooting rebellion and confronting wickedness in their hearts. You just have to watch it to see how powerful it is. When he gave an altar call at the end, more people packed the front than could fit. The Spirit was so powerful in that place. I really feel that for my own life, I need the Holy Spirit to work and remove things from my life that I have no other way to deal with. Joel would be so awesome to have as a pastor or someone like him who understands things like that. Just the name of this conference is "desperation", which is the thing that got my attention most of all. I'm truly desperate where I am now. I'm sacrificing everything I can to get out of this place I've been in for so long and I'm begging God to be real in my life again, to call my name and change me. I've wasted so many years now, not facing it head on or just giving up. I'm desperate for what God has for me and I'm willing to give everything up for that.

I want to mention one last thing that's real important. Over the past few months, Janelle Keith and Andy Youso from The House FM have been getting ready for their mission trip with Mission of Mercy to the Dominican Republic. Mission of Mercy is a Christian organization that provides educational opportunities, health screening and medical attention, nutritional supplements and food as needed and social development to children in impoverished countries. Many of the children are also taught about the love of Jesus in Bible classes in their school along with their education. Coincidentally, Mission of Mercy is headquartered in Colorado Springs just north of New Life Church.

I honestly had not thought much of it myself since I've been so wrapped up in my own life lately, but I wished them luck and hoped that God will use them in whatever they had planned on doing. All this week they have been gone, but have posted a lot of photos and some video on Facebook. They just arrived back on Wednesday. This past week, I've been reading through my new NLT Bible from LifeChurch and going through the Gospels again. I was reading chapter 25 and was being convicted by every parable Jesus talked about. I felt like one of the five foolish virgins who had oil in their lamps but not enough and had to go get more, and while they were messing around missed what they were waiting for. I feel like a lot of times I'm looking at something else or distracted by cares of the world, and I don't "get it" or realize things until it's already here or too late. For example this mission trip to the DR that Janelle and Andy are going on. The next parable of the lazy servant really hit me. Despite what I know and really desire in my heart, I've let materialism and cares of this world waste so much of my time and money. Right now I'm trying to pay off this expensive television that I just thought I had to have, and I've been broke pretty much the entire year since last fall paying it off. Since God has been bringing me back to the right perspective again and giving me my passion back, I don't even turn the thing on and it collects dust. WHAT A WASTE. Why does God let me do stupid things and make mistakes, then let me see the complete error of my ways? I already knew better but did it anyway because the past few years, I thought I had lost everything anyway and nothing mattered. How can he let me fall so far, I just don't understand. I've wasted all that He's given me and it grieves me so much. The next one is just as bad. In the Final Judgement Jesus will ask what you did for the least of those in this world. Clothing the naked, feeding the hungry, helping the sick. What have I been doing with my time? Nothing at all, just living for myself. There's always been that desire in me to do so much more than what I do, but I still find myself not doing enough. This was probably the biggest motivator for what I did next. I was originally just going to give money to Mission of Mercy, but a couple days ago I was just looking at some of the children on their website. I've been told that sponsoring a child changes you as much as your money and love changes the child. I felt in my heart that it's something God wanted me to do and wants to use to change my heart. I looked for the closest country to Israel that had a child to sponsor and I found the cutest little girl who lives in Lebanon.

This is Randa A. Kassem. The photo of her speaks more than I can say.

A wide range of emotions hit me looking in her eyes. Somehow, I think God will use this girl to work in my own heart. I've started thinking about what I would talk to her about and how much Jesus loves her and has plans for her life. Many things that I wish I could accept for myself and hope for my own life. Just looking at how I've lived my life and the convictions I've been feeling, make me feel like less than nothing. I'm such a horrible person, just ugly and sinful. How I wish I could go back to being a little six year old boy again and be innocent in God's eyes again. My list of grievances and pain I've caused God to feel are too many to count. I deal with a tremendous amount of self-loathing for things I've done and like you see now, still continue to do. I have a very difficult time accepting and believing that I'm loved by God just as much as her because I trust in Jesus. I know what my sin is and how it separates me from Him. Despite how much I wish to never sin against him again, I know I always will. I just cannot fathom or comprehend how God could love me. That ability to feel and give love is broken beyond repair, either by experiences in the past or what I've told myself repeatedly in my head. I don't know, it's almost 5 am and I've been working on this post literally all day. I just wanted to get this up before I went to bed. I'm excited for this little girl, and now I have to be strong for her now and it's not just about me. I really wish I was in a place of strength and stability in my own life that I could overflow that love to others. I'm going to do my best.

The Chronicles of Narnia and God's hand in my life

2010-06-15T23:43:00.014-05:00

I'd have to say that writing about my life and what's going on daily has helped. Just knowing that if anything happened, at least people would know about me. I've always had this sense that I have so much to do but very little time to do it in. Like I don't have long to be around. Maybe because I don't want to live long enough to get old and deal with sickness. I would rather live a lifetime in the next ten years and be done with it. I have such big dreams of who I wish I could be, and the legacy I would leave. But I'm nowhere near that place and time seems to move even faster the older I get. I'm not happy at all with how the past decade has worked out and it feels hollow and empty. I don't feel like I've moved a foot in the right direction. If anything I've gone backwards. Like Paul talking about running the race and shaking off anything that would tie him down. Nobody knows how long the race is and how many laps around the course you must take. I feel like I've ran it backwards a few laps and I got seconds left to make it to 1st place.

Looking back through the years, there aren't many fingerprints from God on my life to remind myself that He's actively working in me and shows interest. Here are a few that I can recall to the best of my abilities.

Probably the most notable thing goes back to 5th grade in '92-'93 when I was about eleven years old. One of my classes was Reading, and part of what we did in our text books was read just a few chapters from different books and then there would be a quiz at the end. I guess the idea was to get kids interested in reading the full book. One of the books was The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I don't remember having much interest after we read it one day and did the questions at the end. Later on, someone mentioned that the entire series called The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis were in the school library.

I had no idea what the books were about or any of that back then. It's pretty obvious now looking back, but for some reason I decided to start reading the whole collection. Back then I read a lot, and I would often be seen walking down the hall with my face in a book. Up until that point, I had been the fat nerd kid who reads books and was the artistic person. All the way up until Senior year, I was most known for being the artist guy and I could draw pretty much anything ever since I was a little kid. I gave it up after graduation and haven't picked up a pen or brush since. Pretty much gave up what I had done most of my life because I finally accepted I was really no good at it and saw no use for it anymore.

But anyway, I guess I liked the idea of starting an adventure in reading the whole series. My uncle John used to read huge thick fantasy novels and I had looked up to him like a dad. Maybe that's something I picked up from him. So, I started out with The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. I instantly was sucked into the world of Narnia. This was before the internet and all of that. Nobody ever told me, "Hey, you know these are Christian allegory books right?" I was just a kid who liked to read. I probably would have stayed far away from the books if I knew that anyway. The only Christian influence I had back then were my dad's parents, who took me to church around that time. I had absolutely no clue or understanding of any of that. All I cared about were video games, cartoons, and drawing. It's kind of hard for me to stay on one track of discussion when so many things are tied together. It's easy to ramble. So once I started reading them, I couldn't put the books down. I enjoyed every minute of it and fell in love with the world and characters. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe really touched something in me that I didn't understand.

I'm sure most people reading this probably have read the books by now, so I won't be ruining anything. The second to last book is called The Magician's Nephew, which is like the first prequel story I remember experiencing. It tells the story of what happened before The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe took place and the genesis of the world of Narnia. Back then, it was real cool to me how it revisited old characters and helped tie the beginning and end of the books together. The final book is called The Last Battle and basically tells the end of the Narnia world and closes up the series. I do clearly remember when I finally finished the last book. I stayed up late at night because I just had to finish it. Up until then, the books had seemed pretty light-hearted, but with definite moral teachings in them. There was never much violence or death. The Last Battle really stands out amongst the rest, since it's the most serious of the books and there are a lot of battles and many people die. Good characters die who don't deserve it and it really made me sad. It's the ultimate battle between good and evil in the Narnia world. In the end good prevails and Aslan, the King of Narnia judges all the people who followed him and those that didn't. The children who take part in the ending, are characters you followed from previous books. The world of Narnia which you've grow to love comes to an end and becomes a dead, frozen world that is shut behind a magical door. Aslan takes them to Aslan's Country where all the characters from the previous books are living together, including the ones who have died. Among them are the original children from the first book who you think are back in the real world. It's revealed that the real world and Narnia are tied together and that they are there because they died in a train accident. How shocking and a mix of emotions! The book ends with the quote: "For them, it was only the beginning of the true story, which goes on forever, and in which every chapter is better than the one before."

I'm not ashamed now to admit, but I wept and cried when I put that book down. I had never cried after reading a book in my life. It's just unthinkable. Those books touched something in my heart, some deep ache and longing that I had no idea was there. Everything about the ending to the books was so beautiful and amazing to me. I don't know how else to describe it. If only this world was like the one I read about, and the ending the same...

Some time after this, I remember renting the 1979 animated version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I loved every minute of it and it was really faithful to what I remember of the first book. Something was different in me by then. I was more sensitive to something in the story that I had only caught a glimpse of the first time I read the book. The animated movie had some great music, but I mostly remember the scenes where Aslan is humiliated and then killed even though he had done nothing wrong. He nobly took the punishment for Edmund who had betrayed his siblings and was going to be killed. Something about that really moved me even though I already knew what would happen. Also the ending music and the way it was faithfully portrayed really hit me. I can't explain to you the feelings that came over me, and I felt that longing in my heart again. I went somewhere alone and cried again like I had when I finished The Last Battle. I had no idea what was going on inside me and why I was so emotional about everything. Perhaps it was the sense of meaning and purpose in the world and the people in it, and knowing the ending to the story. I was about the same age as the children in the book and I knew what would happen to them. Thinking about it now, it's still hard to define it.

Later on, I found a great book at the city library. Along with enjoying reading, I also checked out books at the library a lot. I used to like looking up things and taking the books home with me. I borrowed my first book when I was in kindergarten. This particular book was basically the entire history of The Chronicles of Narnia and the story of how it was written. It was a nice illustrated hardcover book with stories about all the characters I had grown to love and the author C.S. Lewis. This was the first time I realized what the real story behind the books were. I had no idea that there were all these allegories to Christianity and Aslan was based on Jesus. I can't remember how I handled the realization of that, thinking back. I think I just sort of accepted it. That it was based on things in reality and was more than just a story. By then, I was older and I basically just thought "Oh well" and put it all behind me. I always cherished the books after that, but I had this conviction now of what it really meant that I had read.

In 2005, before The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe film was released, I bought a great hardcover book called The Complete Chronicles of Narnia. This was the first time since I was a child that I had read these books that I had loved. Having them all in one book made me feel like I was in 5th grade again, starting a familiar adventure. I brought the book to work and read it in the break room when I had the time. If anyone has been reading my blog, this was years after Columbine shook my whole world like nothing else in my life. I think it was around this time, I finally saw what God was doing with the books when I was younger. It was one of those sudden realizations that God was interested in me and wasn't just someone I had to put faith in that cared.

Looking at it now with what I know, I see it as God's way of getting my attention. He used the books to get past my defenses and in a way that I could accept it, to stir my heart for eternal things. There is more to life than what I knew and my heart longed for it. The books never brought me to God, but softened my heart enough. My testimony tells the rest of the story in the following years.

My first experience with church was like I mentioned before, going with my dad's parents. Most of my childhood, I grew up being around them and going traveling, camping and fishing. Some of the best times of my life, when I still had innocence and felt alive. We used to go to this little church right next to my school, which was only a few miles from where I lived, and also my grandparents from both sides of the family. Their pastor then was a man named Lee Norman. I was so young, I only remember him from knee height. I went to Sunday School with his grandchildren, who were around my age. Their oldest granddaughter named Jessica was a few months older than me. She had a younger sister Danielle about my brother's age, and an even younger brother. I remember them being very innocent and kind of isolated from all the things I had been exposed to living with parents who aren't practicing Christians. Around this time, I remember that their family was ripped apart by divorce and it had a devastating impact on them. It was all over my head at the time of course, but looking back it's so sad. I remember how happy and full of joy they were when I saw them in church. After their family split up, I almost never saw them smile and you could feel the hurt and sadness when you saw them. I remember one day in elementary school, I saw Jessica walking down the hallway talking with the Principal. I was so excited that she was coming to my school and I could see her every day. We kind of liked each other since we had gone to church for however long it was. Keep in mind, we were only about twelve years old at the time and still children. I was never the friend I should have been to her and I was pretty immature. She stayed in my school a few years into middle school and then left. I don't remember having much to do with her. The last time I saw Jessica was in '99 or '00 when we did house church back then. We actually met that Sunday at my other grandma's house and she must have been invited. She looked down the entire time and it was like she never knew me and I didn't exist. From the little I know about them now from my grandma, I don't think they even go to church or have anything to do with God. It's a tragic example of what divorce does to people and families. I wish there was a way to get in touch, but I don't know if that's ever possible. Around the time Jessica and her siblings went to my school, I was old enough to decide for myself to quit going to church. I never cared much for this Jesus stuff and church in general because I didn't understand any of it at all. I remember just sitting in the pew squirming and being bored out of my mind and wanting to just go home.

In the summer of 1997 after just about losing my mind with severe anxiety and hopelessness, I turned to the only thing I could think of which was God. If there was a God then He was the only thing that could help me. To this day, not a single person knows what I went through for that whole summer between Freshman and Sophomore year in high school. I quit eating and lost a lot of weight. All I could do was stay up all night and watch tv and sleep all day because I was gripped with the fear of dying. My life was going out of control and I was dealing with it all on my own. I can't even remember what it's like to have a personal relationship with my parents, so I just struggled alone. I started watching Trinity Broadcasting Network on tv and listened to what they had to say. All this is just a hazy memory now and it's hard to recollect much of that time in my life. I repeated prayer after prayer to accept Jesus, not really knowing what I was doing. I had nobody to help or guide me into what was going on in my heart. There was so much stuff on TBN I didn't understand and a lot of different people saying a lot of different things. After some time I remember calling my grandparents up and asking if I could go to church with them for the first time since I was a kid.

By now, years after I had quit going to church with them, they had lost the old building and were now meeting in this little house in Midwest City. It was still Lee Norman pastoring just a small handful of people. I had grown a whole lot since I was in elementary school. The man I could barely remember who I only came up to his knees, was this short little man that was looking up at me instead. There wasn't a lot of passion in me for my new faith and what I believed in. I felt nervous carrying around my Bible in public that my grandparents had given me. I didn't have much understanding on anything. Not once did I ever have a person talk to me about why I started coming or help me on where to go from there. It's not like they didn't care, I just didn't get much support like you would see if I had gone to a big church somewhere. They just assumed I was Christian now and I assumed that I was. So much of what was going on with me then is just a haze of memories. The Bible they gave me was a King James Bible that was very hard for me to understand. I never opened it to read it because of that. Most of what I learned about being a Christian was from what people on TBN told me. I do remember all the anxiety and fear of dying went away, and I felt like I had done what I was supposed to do. I look at it now, and ask God why in the world did things happen this way? I think maybe God had sent the anxiety and depression on me to bring me to Him, but what a bad way to start believing in Christ. Having no one really helping me and guiding me. I always kept to myself and never talked about anything. Pretty much the same way most of the things in my life have been.

The next story takes place when I went to Del City High School for one school year. It's hard to set the stage for this story without getting into all the details. I'll have to save that for another post. This was the 1998-1999 school year that I would say was the most defining time of my life up to this point. I was a seventeen year old Junior. This was shortly before the Columbine shooting, between February and April 1999. I had been going to church for a few years by then, and had gotten into the Left Behind books and the whole pre-tribulation rapture belief. That's a discussion for another post for sure. I believed it because that's what I was told by my pastor and people on television. I was pretty confident in my faith at that point, from what I can remember. At the beginning of the day sitting in the commons, I would watch kids who were in Fellowship of Christian Athletes get in a circle and pray. I never really had a desire to be a part of anything like that. I kept my faith or what I believed in to myself like I had always done with everything else. Never felt the need to get to know Christians my own age. The way I talked to God then and even to this day, is just to talk out loud like He's right there listening. I was never any good at doing these official prayers I often heard people do.

It was in my second semester Painting class, which I would consider the best class I ever was a part of in school. Like I said, this is just a few months before Columbine in that same semester. Back when I had my tiny faith and lacking the example of a girl's life my same age, living in Colorado also a Junior at her school, and how this Christian walk should be lived.

Struggling with the issues of my life and new-found faith alone, with certainly no one close enough to me to share it with. In that same third period class in which all the events at Columbine would transpire, there was a girl named Jennifer who God placed on my heart. She was someone I saw every day in the class and never spoke to. As I would work on my art, I often listened in on her and a friend's conversation at the next table, yet still keeping to myself. I was a disgusting looking freak anyway that neither of them ever talked to, and wouldn't recognize today if they saw me. So you can say I wasn't the most outgoing person around. I had somewhat enough of a relationship with God that I would try talking to Him in conversation, just speaking my thoughts almost to myself about things. As if He was just over my shoulder at all times. Well, this girl was beautiful and I felt drawn to her for some reason. Maybe it was just her presence in the room, or how she spoke. But I found myself talking to God about her, and hoping that she knew Him personally, and that she was a Christian. Just in a simple and honest way. One day as usual, I was just listening to what they were saying, looking up at them briefly once in a while. Each day when I saw her, I would think of what was on my heart regarding her and always looked for signs to give me peace about it. I noticed her purse had a cross shape on it that looked like it was done by hand with fabric paint. Well, what they were talking about is very hazy and difficult for me to recall exactly. But somehow they got onto the topic of what chemicals were in a glue they were using at the time, at which point I stopped and glanced up. Just joking about things as friends do, Jennifer turned the dark brown glass bottle over and read that it can cause birth defects or even death if ingested. She then sort of jokingly said in defiance that, "Oh well, I know where I'm going when I die.", then amazingly looked me straight in the eyes for a second and looked away again. I'll never forget that day, when God answered a prayer in such a direct manner, within just a few days or perhaps a week's time. That is such a distant feeling, sending input to God, then actually getting an answer right back to me. Even then, when I had even more things in my life than I do now that must have displeased Him a lot. I deeply miss that feeling of closeness, that kind of relationship that someone hundreds of miles away was truly living, someone I would have given anything to have had at my school, to talk to me, be my friend, and maybe even help me in my walk with God. I think of this story because again, it's one of those few precious memories I have of anything nearing what I wish my life contained.

This story takes place a few years ago in 2007. Back when I was working at Enterprise a few miles north of Will Rogers World Airport. I was in reluctant management then, what was called a Lot Coordinator. Without getting all into my job, I basically was in charge of making sure cars get cleaned and taken to the airport garage. Also I had to constantly stay in contact with people in the garage on how many dirty cars were down there and try to juggle clean and dirty cars. One day, it was pretty slow and I had sent everyone down in clean cars even though there were no dirties to come back in. I figured eventually at least one clean car would come in and they could ride back to the lot. I got a call from the kiosk that they didn't want people standing around down there and I need to come pick them up. I just knew by the time I got there, at least one dirty car would check in and it would be a total waste of time driving up. I can't remember what cars were on the lot to drive, but I remember wanting to not drive a big white van just to pick up a few people. I decided I was going to take a PT Cruiser instead. For whatever reason, I ended up taking a white van. I guess it was because there were too many people there to fit in those lousy tiny cars.

So I pull out of Enterprise pretty annoyed at having to drive down to the airport, knowing they'll probably be coming back in a dirty car. I get to the next light where the railroad tracks are, and it's a green light. It's a busy intersection and you rarely come up on it with a green light. As I'm starting to coast through the light, I barely noticed this big red dump truck turning in front of me. This whole section of Meridian between Enterprise and the airport has to be in the Guinness World Records for the worst drivers in such a small stretch of road. People pull out in front of you and do 70mph all the time. So when this dump truck turned in front of me onto Newcastle Road, I didn't think anything of it and figured I would miss him. Except when the was exactly in front of me, it seemed as though he completely stopped. I guess they turn slower than I was expecting. I hit the brakes as hard as I could but it made no difference. I was probably going close to 20mph when I T-boned into it.
I hit it head on, and it crushed the entire front of the van up to the windshield and I came to a dead stop right in the middle of the street. Tires were crushed in the fenders and I couldn't even budge the steering wheel. This was my first real car accident and by far the worst I've ever been in. I didn't do much to me, except bang my knee and shake me up. Since I hit it in the middle of the right lane, cars got back up for a mile right there and it was right before 12 o'clock traffic. It took forever for a cop to show up and about three hours to get it taken care of. It was their fault naturally, since they turned in front of me with a big slow dump truck. It was fun having to call Enterprise about me wrecking their van. It was nice and sweltering too, and the long walk back to work was nice.

Later, it dawned on me what could have happened if I had taken the PT Cruiser like I wanted to. The thought of me hitting the dump truck that hard in such a small car made me shudder. Maybe it would never have happened at all, who knows. Perhaps I'm making too much of it. Would have been as great a time as ever to take me out of the world, since most of it never amounted to anything and still doesn't. For some reason I'm still here to live another day.

By far the most profound thing that God has done in my life is what a lot of my testimony is about. He used the shooting at Columbine High School to shake me up and rivet my attention away from my life and what I was doing, to someone special who He wanted me to know about. Amidst all the horror and grief surrounding the events of that day, one person's life would stand out like a brilliant light. Someone who's life was so full of God-given destiny and purpose that it would captivate me and leave me in awe.

Can anybody hear me

2010-06-03T00:55:00.003-05:00

Been a while since I've written. Not much is really new. It seems that the only church service I will be able to attend anytime soon is Frontline's Thursday night service at the City Rescue Mission. Not real sure how that is going to work out but I'll just have to wait and see. I feel like all my options are gone and the doors are closed. All I know is I need to get plugged in somewhere with real people again.

For two and a half years when I worked at my last job, I always had the weekends off. I was so burnt out of my previous church experience and so exhausted with the struggles that I quit going to church. That seems unbelievable now, even though I'm still in the same situation. Now that I desperately need to go somewhere, I'm stuck working Sundays. That's the typical irony of my life. Nothing is ever easy and straightforward. I literally have no clue where to go or what to do. I just live one day at a time and pray that God leads me where I need to go. I've pretty much done that the past decade and have always been restless. I don't feel fulfilled in anything I do. Thinking about my future scares me to death. It's so hard to keep faith when there's no one who knows me and I have no support. I don't know what to write right now. This is my only means to communicate.

The past month The House FM has had a series titled Surprise Me God, where you simply ask God to surprise you with something that day with circumstances that had to be Him involved in it. Something that goes beyond coincidence. Saturday morning I get to work around 4:40am and wait for the other guy with the gate key to show up. I like having fifteen minutes just to myself and God to start the day. Or at least I try to do my part, not sure if God is even listening. I thought it couldn't hurt to try out what other people have been doing since there were a lot of good stories. I asked God to surprise me and then I went about my day. I didn't really think about it at all. Coming home from work on the highway, I ran over a piece of rubber that then somehow flew up and knocked out the right grill on my new car. When I got home I remembered asking God to surprise me. Not exactly what I had imagined, like everything else. My life must be some kind of joke. Things like getting Sundays off, or maybe getting replies back from the million or so people I've tried to talk to lately. Just anything positive or a fingerprint of God in my life. I'm not really surprised on the result.

Spent half the day today at the mall finding some new clothes. Been a long time since I did that, between not doing anything except work and being broke over the years. I hate looking for clothes because I have no idea what to wear. I'm so indecisive even with what I got. I feel like I look stupid no matter what I'm wearing. I have a bad enough self image without going out and being around people. I'm too worried what people think of me. It feels like when I'm around people, every eye is on me and I feel like I'm wearing some ridiculous outfit.

Jesus promises that I can't be separated from His love, I can't be stolen out of His hands, and that the work He started in me will be completed. Those verses are what hold me up. But it's as fragile as a soap bubble. I'm so tired of having to figure out things on my own. I don't know if God is waiting on me or I'm waiting on Him. I wish I could just walk into a church and be embraced where I'm at and at least try and start somewhere. I can't even do that. I'm always a prisoner of my circumstances.

The other day I downloaded a lot of new music from iTunes. Mostly songs from The House of Worship I hear on Sundays while I'm at work at Avis. I made a playlist of all the ones that really speak to me. Some songs talk about exactly what I've been going through for so long.

Can Anybody Hear Me by Meredith Andrews

I've always thought if Jesus loved me enough to die for me, I could just talk to Him and find answers or direction. It wouldn't be this incredibly difficult. Scripture says He knew me and chose me before the world was created. He has plans for me. I didn't care at all about Him. He's done all the work. All I've wanted was to experience Him fundamentally, with something tangible I can see and believe. Instead of just these random things that happen to me, or even things like Columbine and Rachel that have made me cry out for what He can offer. I have so many questions. The only person in the universe who really knows me and has a plan, and it's been deafening silence. It feels like He actually avoids me and pushes me away. You have no idea what that's done for how I see myself, as if it wasn't bad enough. You begin telling yourself that maybe it's true, I got nothing to live for. I never had a reason to begin with, but then this incredible truth is revealed to me and I see what I've always longed for in my heart. And then it vanishes as quickly as it appeared. I wish I could find what it is, or what I'm doing wrong that's keeping me separated.

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North

This one is an older song, but it still captures my heart in the same way. How many desperate prayers do I have to ask? How long must I wait to see His face for the first time? I've done everything I can imagine to get His attention and I truly have a broken heart. Someone I believe died for me and that I try to have faith that cares for me and He's elusive and hard to find. I want to know this person so badly and do what He wants me to do. All the other people in the world, and I'm completely insignificant. There are much more worthwhile people out there who need attention I guess. If someone really cared so much to die for me, you would think they would do everything possible to show themselves or leave traces for me to see. I started thinking that Jesus really died for everyone, but most people fall through the cracks and don't measure up or something. In my mind, it's a balance between everything I've experienced up to this point, everything I've felt and seen with my eyes on one side, and all the incredible and hopeful things that are talked about in scripture that are supposed to be true. Verses like the ones I've mentioned that I wish with all my heart would become a reality in my life and I can hold onto. It's constantly back and forth, up and down which side I'm on. Sometimes I think I have it, and it slips away, then I get it back.
I wish I could hear Him call my name.

Bad news day and old church experiences

2010-05-29T00:15:00.021-05:00

Got home a little bit ago. Thought I would do one quick post before I go right to bed. It's fun having to get up at 3am to go right back to work.

I try to wake up every morning with Jesus on my mind and hoping to hear from Him every day. I haven't been listening to the radio when I'm at home and I keep the TV off. I'm trying to get some clarity as much as possible. I'm so desperate for Him to be a part of my life and do things in me again. I'm so tired of being in the same place. I have wanted to move forward with whatever God was doing in me ever since '99 but for one reason or another it hasn't felt like I've gone anywhere. I don't know if I've made it clear enough in these posts how much He changed my life. It was like He was really working and showing me things, and then suddenly disappeared. Everything He has done in me, it was His decision to do it. I was just going about my life, scared to death of the future and not having any purpose or direction. Then all of a sudden, he just broke me down. The first time that had even happened since I had started going back to church. In my brokenness and desperation, he introduced me to someone special who was the same age as me, who lived a life that He wanted me to live. Instead of just going through the motions and not having any passion, here was someone who's love and devotion for Jesus was so great that she impacted my whole generation. To this day she is still having a change in kids who were too young to remember Columbine.

There's only two people I know who had such a God orchestrated work in their hearts like me. When I talk to Charlotte and Mike today, which I haven't done much since 2004, they have mostly gone their own ways. Charlotte has told me that she's not the same girl I read about in her testimony and who I met in person six years ago. Someone who God inspired to move to Denver and opened up doors for her to meet Craig Scott and his family. Oh, how I have wished to do the same thing all these years. It's just so hard to start if you're just some random person on the internet as I have always been.

Mike on the other hand, we have hardly talked since 2004. From what I can tell he's given up a lot of things like I had done in the past two or three years. He's back into heavy metal and grown his hair out like I have as well. All the stuff God did in their lives, it seems to have been just a passing phase. I know all too well how that feels. The past couple years, I thought I had lost it all. All the pain, endless tears, and sorrow I went through alone and I had accepted the idea that God was through with me. At some point I had done enough wrong things that He had changed His mind and I was back where I was in '97, only much worse. I told myself things over and over until I was ready to quit living. If God had left me, what else did I have to live for?

Every anniversary in April I tell myself, "I can't believe it's been five years now." "Eight years ago, I can't believe it." Ten years, now eleven years. It'll be the twelve anniversary by the time I'm in Denver, if that works out. Each year rings more and more hollow. Such regret and emptiness. How long do I have to wait for God? You might say God's waiting on me, well I never asked for Him to do such amazing things. I can do nothing at all without His guidance. I haven't got the slightest clue what He was thinking with me. You might know by now how I am. I've never had anything in my life that stood out that I needed to pursue or something I wanted to do. I'm not really skilled at anything and all I've done since high school is work one job to the next. Just been a laborer doing menial, bottom of the ladder work. Cleaning cars for a living accomplishes about as much as running around in a circle all day until you can't do it anymore. Sure you worked really hard but what did it accomplish? What did it amount to? I look at my life and think that one of these days, all that hard work, blood sweat and misery working outside will just burn up to nothing. Everything I've done just won't mean a thing to God. All that will matter is what I did for Him. Is this all He ever had planned for me? The past decade of my life doesn't count for anything? You know how much more weight that is on me already thinking about that? It's one more thing that crushes my heart when I'm alone to myself and not seeing a reason to keep going. I keep adding more weight until I'm crushed beneath it. At some point I managed to ruin God's plan for me and now there's nothing left.

It's really hurt what trust I was starting to have in God. It once seemed that all I had to do was just speak out loud with an honest heart and He would answer back one way or another. He could drastically alter the course of where I was going, and now I would give anything just to hear one word. Have something happen in my life again that I knew was Him. How do I get His attention again? Killing myself on the inside and convincing myself how worthless I am hasn't done it. Being a broken, sobbing mess on the floor hasn't done it. Spending hours and years looking out my window where I seek His face and read my bible hasn't done it. Having an entire room full of worshiping believers all around me praying and raising hands to God with the most amazing, talented people leading it hasn't done it. I now feel untouchable and unlovable. Someone who had been better off dying years ago.

Things are so desperate now. A decade is a long time to wait and I'm not getting any younger. I had hoped to find whatever it was God wanted with me and be done with it by 30. All I want to do is what God plans for me in this life and be done with it. I want nothing else to do with this world and it's pain. I can't imagine me being around until I'm some old guy wasting away. I can imagine such great things I wish I could do and be the kind of person that could get it done. Be someone other than me. There is one thing that is so personal to me and God that I doubt if I will ever mention here or to anyone. Something I think about every day. Let's just say I never want to get old, die of old age, sickness or cancer. I'd very much rather live a short life of meaning and purpose. One that inspires and leads people my age to God and spreads everywhere. Days like today always shoot my hopes and dreams down.

I spent time this morning like I try to every morning. Have the hour or so before I have to leave for work solely for God. Try my best to plug into something so I'll last all day and not be a mess and a failure. Such as road rage to work, frustrated and angry all day, then road rage back home. As if the God of the universe isn't already shaking his head at me. Work today was the usual thing. After the ten o'clock meeting, my manager called me into the office. He wanted to talk to me about transferring to Denver and having Sundays off. According to him, working at an agency location is a whole different deal than working at the airport. The only place that's an option for me to transfer to is the airport. All this time in my head, I thought I have it so much better at Avis because I can work at other locations other than the airport. Now I might as well be back at my last job. If you look at a map, Denver International Airport is a very long drive from where I would spend most of my time at, and far from the two friends I have. It's a very long commute in a city with a million more people than where I live. Throw in the extra money I'll be spending on gas, and more miles put on my new car. Oh, and don't forget how much more crazy their airport is, being the largest in the country compared to the quaint little town that is Will Rogers. The Enterprise that's down the street from them was probably twice as busy as where I work at Avis. I've been totally burnt out on cleaning cars since the first year I started, so imagine how bad I feel pushing seven years. All I wanted was to work somewhere smaller and slower paced. Now I'm back with this only option.

But he's not done yet. After that he said there's nothing he can do about letting me off Sundays. All these guys on morning shift that have been working at Avis for 20+ years get seniority over me. So no matter how big I dream and dare to find hope where I'm at in life, reality always shoots holes all in it. How many other things have I imagined are just all in my head? Is everything else the same way? I haven't mentioned this yet, but I've had this idea of taking a tour to Israel next year after I move and perhaps learning Hebrew and Arabic. I'd even be open to the idea of living or working in Israel. But that's a topic for another blog post. I wonder if that's all in my head too. What is real or imagined anymore? Maybe everything is made up. I just have no idea anymore. I literally feel imprisoned and chained to a wall. I can't get out no matter how badly I try.

There's a church in downtown OKC called Frontline that I have visited once before. Some old friends who used to go to The Jesus Place (I'll blog about it) have been going there for some time now. I know at least two people who have been there regularly. The lead pastor Josh puts his sermons on Vimeo. I've been talking to him via email and he would like for me to come visit again.

I haven't had the best experience with church and people in church. At First Southern I got to do so much and some of my best experiences are from going there for six years. The first two years were amazing. Then Shannon O'Dell left the student and college ministry suddenly and a huge pillar of the church suddenly fell out. It was never the same for me since then. I had just started opening up to people for the first time and around then wrote part of my testimony for him. Then it all changed. The First Southern after Shannon was a different place. I always stood out because I don't try to look like everyone else. But now I felt like no one there understood me. Every Sunday people would go through the motions, then do Sunday school and nobody seemed real. I felt like the most screwed up person in the whole church. I just never got anything out of it. How could I open up to these people who mostly seemed to have grown up in church their whole life? I felt like I had to fit in with people, but there's just no way I can do that. I can't relate to them no matter what, and neither can they. Ever since I started going, I was a part of the college ministry even though I never went to college. I always felt like I didn't belong there.

I tried being a part of Wednesday night activities and it was ok of course until Shannon left. The guy they brought in was the pastor's son Jon, who was nothing like Shannon. I never really expected him to be anyway. But he just never "got me" or seemed to care I was around. In 2004 after I had come back from Colorado and had gotten really used to my Canon SLR camera, I would bring it to church and take photos during the youth service on Wednesdays. I just wanted to do something or find some role for me to use what experience I had. He really didn't seem to care what I did or show any interest. I eventually just quit doing it and stopped going to Wednesday night services.

I had pretty much lost everything I had to offer at that church. I still continued to go most Sundays until I just got so tired of it. Every Sunday, the same drill and always putting on an act even though I was so hurting and needed to be ministered to. After I quit Wednesday nights, then all I had was college ministry. The guy they got to do that was the son of another prominent member of the church named Mike. Another guy I never could relate to in a million years. I don't want to make them seem like bad people, I just always took it to mean that I'm just such a horrible person and hopeless that I'm wasting my time there. I might as well be from another planet. I stand out already, but on top of that I'm too far gone on the inside. The last thing I really did was help set up the chairs and get the food from downstairs for when everyone came after the Sunday service. I used to help do the PowerPoint for the minister's sermons and run the audio from my laptop. I liked to play different kinds of music, since I had been going to all those Christian concerts then and collecting autographs. One day they got some other new guy and Mike told me he didn't want me to do audio or anything anymore. The last thing I could see to offer them they gave to somebody else. That's really the point that I should have gone somewhere else. Even after this guy came and went, I was still there sitting in a chair and went through the motions every week. I would not have taken the job back if he gave it.

When I first started going to First Southern, I really had no idea where to go or what my place was. I had just turned 19 years old and a few months out of high school. This was one of the scariest and most alone times of my life. My testimony really gets more into the details here. I was not sure if I should do the student ministry or try to fit in with the college people. Every single thing here was a new experience for me. A huge church with a lot of new people. Like going to Del City High School for the first time. I really wanted to be part of a church with people my age and try to do the things I had read that Rachel had done. She had been a part of youth activities with two different churches and I know that really developed who she was and what God was doing in her life. Here I am, perpetually late in everything trying to fit in somewhere I didn't really belong.

I remember it pretty well, after a Sunday or Wednesday night service, the college people were going to head to Shannon's house and have a get-together. I literally knew nobody since I had not even talked to a single college person or met Shannon. One guy named Brian who would end up being one of my closest friends, came up to me and asked me to come with them. It was one of those rare moments in my life where somebody cared enough to get out of their comfort zone and talk to me. I said sure, and I remember cramming in this car full of strangers going somewhere I had never been, surround by people I didn't know. That was a memorable night, and I met a lot of people who I would end up going on mission trips and rafting trips over the next two years. Some really good folks.

Some time later, I met a girl named Rachel of all names, on a Wednesday night where all the kids meet up and play games and the youth service is preached. She came up to me and shook my hand an introduced herself. Every time that happens, It's so memorable because nobody ever does that to me. She had this beautiful light in her smile, like she was full of the love of God for people. A truly kind and compassionate person. A long time ago, I had asked God to send a person like Rachel Scott into my life. I could never meet her in this life, but maybe I could meet someone like her. I would have given anything to have known Rachel while she was alive or had gone to my school. I hope you know what I mean. Here was someone actually named Rachel too. Imagine that. I never really got to know her that well because I just can't seem to relate to people. I saw her every Sunday and we went to the same activities like the mission trips to Salt Lake City and then Amsterdam. She never seemed all that interested in me talking to her or ever said anything to me since that first night I met her. I could literally count the number of times she ever spoke a word to me.

After a few years, I learned she was going to be a journeyman in Japan for a year. She was also graduating from OBU, where a lot of the college guys I had met that night at Shannon's house went to school. By now a lot of them were getting ready to finish college and move on back to where they came from. I was really concerned for her since it was a major thing to do. I don't know if I could take the leap of faith and do that myself. I just genuinely cared and wished I could let her know that. I had never told her who she reminded me of and about my testimony. Maybe all this is stupid to you reading this, or you can't understand. It seems like when I have a genuine care for someone, they take offence.

The last Sunday she was at First Southern was at the end of the school year for them. Other people were graduating OBU and leaving too. It was a truly bizarre service. I remember it because one of the old people in the choir was like having a heart attack and they had to call emergency people to assist them. Not every day somebody has a heart attack in the middle of church. The pastor was trying to preach with all this mayhem going on behind him. I'm telling you, it was just wild. I had written my testimony for Rachel and spent probably three hours on it the previous night. Despite this strange vibe I sensed, like she didn't want me around, I still felt like I should share my story before I never saw her again. I don't know what I did to change that first night I met her, until now where she seemed to hate me being around. I've thought long and hard for the answer and still don't know. Maybe I'm just a bad person.

She sat in a pew next to me and I never got the courage to hand it to her. What in the world do I say anyway? How do I break the ice now after all this time? So after the bizarre service, I was out in the parking lot crying out to God thinking how much a coward I am and missing the opportunity. I was really feeling heartbroken about it. But that was only the beginning of the pain I was about to go through.

Somehow I managed to spot her truck around the side of the building long after most people had left. She must have been doing something with the kids ministry. I thought about just leaving the testimony on her car or windshield wiper but that just felt really disrespectful. What would be the thing to do in this situation? I waited around for a while until finally she came out. My heart was racing and I really had no idea what I should say. What happened in the next few minutes would be one of the worst experiences in my entire life without exception. I came up to her and she had this disturbed look on her face as if she didn't know who I was. Like she wanted to get away from me. The first wave of shock came by just looking at her expression towards me. How different it was from the first time I met her. I told her that I wanted to give her my testimony and that I hoped it encouraged her for what she was going to be doing in Japan. All she did was take it, look at it for a second and then hand it back to me. She said something like I didn't belong there and it was wrong for me to be talking to her and I made her uncomfortable. There is no way I can describe to you what I felt at that moment. I guess if you imagined that someone took a knife and carved your beating heart out of your chest and then threw it on the ground, then you going into shock would be the closest feeling. But this was my spirit being pierced. A wound that would go so deep that I still live with it every single day. Somehow I played it off and said "Oh, alright." I walked to my truck, literally feeling the life drain out of my body. Like my soul had just been sucked out and I was an empty body. I drove out of the parking lot and on the way home it was like I was dying. How could anyone go through this kind of trauma and still be alive? It was incomprehensible shock. This was the kind of pain you feel when you're rushed to the emergency room and are living your final moments. But yet it wasn't a physical pain. It was the broken and ruined spirit in me. Whatever I had left, got crushed in the parking lot of my church. Somewhere it's still there, turned into dust. This kind of pain you can't go to the emergency room for. You can't go to a doctor to treat. There's no relief. It's something inside me that I have to carry for the rest of my life. And it still hurts the same as it did six years ago. How on earth am I supposed to get up and live another day with this kind of pain? I actually had to go straight to work after that, since back then I worked on Sundays. It's just unimaginable, the whole thing.

When I got home, I threw my testimony in the trash. I had scribbled a hasty note on it since I had planned to just leave it on her truck. Later on though, I reprinted it. I kept it in my bible for a long time afterward, just in case she ever talked to me again. A few years ago now, I took it out and it's in a junk drawer. When things like this happen, it feels like God is just spitefully hurting me. Like I'm only good for tormenting and breaking my heart. I hope someday she'll remember me and we can make up or just set everything right. But I doubt it. If I'm remembered at all, I'll just be that weird guy from that church she used to go to, and probably avoids coming back because I might be there. There's no point in it. It proved to me once and for all how totally inept I am with people and communicating. I think of it every time I meet someone or try to share my heart. It all comes back.

I never took offense for what she said to me. I thought those words would be forever burned into my mind and heart, but somehow it's been forgotten. Instead of having bad feelings for her, I still respect her so much. It never changed how I saw her. I just took all of the pain and turned it on myself. I told myself I would never let anyone in and hurt me like that. Never would I reach out to another person again. From then on, I began thinking that everyone I'm around or anybody who saw me thought the same thing she did. I'm somebody that no one wants around. Everyone that sees me is looking down at me and wants nothing to do with me. I got to where I couldn't look people in the eyes anymore and could just look down. I saw people see me with that same look of disgust she gave me. I started to just stay away from people altogether.

I don't know how many times over the years of being at First Southern, I would tag around until everyone left at night. I felt so utterly alone. I just wanted people to keep me company. Plenty of times I would look at these other guys my age, and they seemed to have it all together. Like they had purpose in their lives and knew what they were here on earth for. I'd stick around until everyone went to their own cars and went home. So many lonely walks to my truck and back to my lonely life.

My last weeks at First Southern were three years ago now. The old pastor was leaving and it created a huge division in the church. Up until then, everyone seemed great and you never would think how ugly things could get. And it indeed got very ugly. People had mixed feelings about the candidates that were being voted on. I remember the church inviting different people to come preach a Sunday to see what kind of person they were. Some people were sided with the old pastor, this guy, that guy. They would take a vote and nobody could agree on who to pick. I'll never forget, when one of the committee members would try to talk, angry people would stand up and argue with him in the middle of the service. It's like God threw the cover off and exposed how ugly people truly were in the church. It was so embarrassing having to sit in church and witness this spectacle. How far had things come since November 2000 when I first stepped foot in that church. All the closest friends from the night at Shannon's house, who I had done mission trips with and fun times were long, long gone. It wasn't the same church I knew. I never have been back since they picked one of the men to become the pastor. I don't know if I'll ever go back.

For some time by then, I had started having fellowship with a totally different group of believers. Back when I started going to concerts all the time and collecting autographs, one of the first shows was a Disciple concert at a venue called The Jesus Place. This was a truly unique group of people. I didn't know anyone at the time because I was still going to First Southern, but I would remember them later during the last days at First Southern. The Jesus Place is basically a "church" started by Troy and Delia Strader for the outcast kids who don't feel welcome in a traditional church. Most of the guys there were punk rockers, goths, and just the "strange" kids you know in school. People bullied and picked on, who don't try to be popular and fit in with the majority. A lot of guys (and girls) had mohawks and other crazy unique clothes. People who don't buy their clothes in stores, some of them make their own. Kids who don't try to be what the world tells them they should be.

I've never fit in at First Southern. The first day I went there, I had the long hair I have now, wore combat boots tucked into my pants and black clothes. Up until the last days, I still stood out with bleached highlights in my hair and black clothes. When I learned there was a close-nit family of Christians that looked and dressed like me who wouldn't judge me by appearance, that really attracted me. By the time I first went to The Jesus Place, they had lost the old building. Later on, when I got to know them and vice versa, it was because Troy had been threatened with a gun and they decided that area was too dangerous for the kids. The second building wasn't much further but it was still all the way out on NW Expressway by Lake Hefner. Still, just being in an environment like that for the first time where people accept me and I can just hear the Word of God preached was so wonderful. People came up and wanted to meet me. Troy was one of the first people I met. I told him about the old Disciple show and I think he remembered me. The JP pretty much became my church for quite some time. They eventually lost even that building and they started a coffee shop on Morgan Road called Cafe Vida. I was there helping from the very beginning, volunteering to help clean up and do whatever they needed. It was a nice little place that I loved to just hang out and spend time with people. It was a pretty far drive as well, and I drove my mom's old '92 Beretta. That thing was pretty worn out from all the driving I did back and forth. I've always been so completely alone, and I just liked being around people. I really started to open up to genuine believers for the first time since the early years at First Southern. With Troy and Delia, no matter how busy they were with keeping the coffee shop going, they always had time to listen and pray with me. On Sundays we would have church, and on nights they would do karaoke or have Indie bands come in and play.

I doubt if anyone out there has heard of Becoming the Archetype, but back when the JP had their old building, they would come and play shows. They're an Atlanta Georgia based band. The drummer of the band named Duck felt that God was telling him to be a part of the JP. They were still touring and doing shows, but they let him take time and live in Oklahoma City for a while. He actually drove all the way out from Atlanta on his own. Around the time of Cafe Vida, Duck was helping out with Troy and Delia and doing worship on Sundays. He got a job at Starbucks as a day job, but lived with the Strader's and their sons. I really got to know him while I was helping out and spending time there. He's got one of the coolest beards of anyone I've known. Though he is mainly a drummer, he's a very accomplished guitarist. Just one of those cool people to hang out with an talk to. He could really pour his heart out in the services and was a truly genuine guy. It was a blessing knowing him.

I loved to help Troy and Delia at Cafe Vida. I helped clean up and take trash out. I'd spend time there until I was the last one out. Then the lonely drive home. Troy would often give me money to get him food or supplies for the coffee shop. It was great just helping and doing something worthwhile for once. But, after about six months they had to close it down. They just couldn't bring in enough customers. After that, we would get together at Will Rogers Park and have church in the grass under a tree. This is what church should be like. A small group of people who just care and don't look at appearances. Just normal folks. People you can open up to and feel like you grew closer to God that day. At least I felt like that. Some people went their own ways after a while. I haven't talked to Troy or Delia in a few years now. I think they moved out of the city. Troy and Delia's younger son Clay goes to Frontline and another good friend Jeff (who used to have the mohawk) goes there too. The one and only time I visited Frontline was with a few of them. So at least I got a couple friends already.

Some time around 2007 when we would meet at the park, I just quit going to church altogether. Everyone started going their own ways and a lot of them began going to Frontline. That's how I heard of the church in the first place. As you've read from my past church experiences, I have had a hard time even wanting to go back to a new church. I was just so tired and exhausted from church that I gave it up. It was the worst thing I could have done.

I'm so desperate for God now that I'm willing to do anything in the world to hear from Him. I don't care what people think of me anymore. After all that I've been writing on this blog, I just want to meet Jesus again. Whatever I have to do, where ever I have to go, it doesn't matter. I just want to find what His will for me is once and for all and move ahead with my life. Whatever He desires for me, I will do it. Time is so short. I'm at the end of my rope. Please Jesus hear my cries and let me see You in my life again.

About the only bright side I can see in this, is the fact that in Pastor Josh's video sermons he mentioned that he was needing volunteers from Sunday mornings to come back on Sunday nights to start doing services then. Maybe I'm supposed to be there on Sunday nights then? Of course I thought I was supposed to be at the Kari Jobe show too, but you know how that turned out.

I guess I can handle working all the way out at the airport in Denver, but I really gotta get out of the car rental business. I'm just dying to do real labor that will count for something in the end. I just don't know what that is. I don't want to just barely make it into eternity. I want to do whatever it is Jesus would have me do and get His final approval on my life. That would make everything I've gone through worth it. I'm going to do whatever I can to find what that is.

So much for a "quick post". I can still get three hours of sleep if I quit now. I still got a lot more to write.

Moving to Denver

2010-05-27T02:13:00.029-05:00

When I'm at work doing something, I got all kinds of stuff I want to write about. On my days off, I just don't feel like doing anything. My mind is like a fog and I can't think. I don't even feel like writing. Regardless, I need to try anyway.

Next year I'm really hoping to move to Denver finally. I've wanted to live up there for a long time and it never seems to work out. I transferred there a year ago in April for my last job and worked for one day at the Enterprise near the airport. It was really busy and I'm getting to where I'm tired of working fast-paced hectic jobs. It's a long story but I used to work for a company called ParkWest Staffing that cleaned cars for Enterprise. One guy who always worked part-time ended up being manager and made a lot of people miserable. He ended up getting me fired and with that my chance of having a solid place to work in Denver. I don't want to spend this whole post about my last few jobs, but after a month of unemployment and down to about $30 to my name, God provided me with the best job I've ever had. I'm working at Avis Rent-a-Car at Will Rogers World Airport. I started full time, making $9.25 an hour. Other than the fact that I'm really tired of cleaning cars for a living, it's still a great job. I come into work and people are friendly and wave to me. I have been there for six months last week and I get my first raise on my next check. I got medical and dental benefits and a 401k. But one of the best things is, now I have an even better chance of living in Denver because of all the Avis locations there are. The only place I could work for Enterprise in Denver was at the airport since ParkWest only services airports. Denver International Airport is way outside the city limits and far from anybody or any place I cared about. Working for Avis (including Budget) gives me the chance to work in multiple locations over the metro area.

If anyone has read my testimony, I go into great detail about my reasons for moving to Denver. It's hard to get into all that here without getting way off track. Two of my good friends living in Denver are Michael Tamburello and Rich Hoover.

I met Rich way back in the summer of 1999 around when the tornadoes came through Oklahoma City. After April 20th I really wanted to reach out to kids who had gone to Columbine or just talk to somebody who was there. We were on AOL back then and searched around in the member directory. I remember one girl who I started talking to and I don't remember her name. One day I got an instant message from a complete stranger. He started talking to me like we had always known each other. Turns out his name was Rich and he had been in the weight room the day of the shooting. Luckily he got out in time and Eric and Dylan never went to where he was. I'm pretty sure I met him because of the girl I had been talking to. It's weird because I never talked to her again after me and Rich met each other. It was like she vanished into thin air. Rich would later go on to speak for Rachel's Challenge and be friends with a lot of other people involved including the Scott family. It's funny how I've never met him in person still, even though I've been in town four times now. We somehow manage to miss each other. I hope we can get together when I move up since he's been in Denver his whole life.

How I met Michael is another long story. It's hard to have a meaningful blog post without telling it all in detail. It has been my personal experience that some of the biggest things in my life start out very small and pretty coincidental. I just happen to click a link to a website, or see something that leads to something else.

Well this goes way back to October 2002. I was on the Rachel's Challenge website one day reading the message board. I can't remember exactly what the topic was, but one of the people talking went by the name RagingSea910. Under his posts, he had a banner that showed up every time he posted something. I can't remember what the banner said, but it said something about a recent vacation he took to Colorado. I don't know why I clicked on it but I did anyway. It took me to his website called RachelJoyScott.net. This was his personal website dedicated to Rachel Scott who's life, if you know my testimony, has had a major impact on me. I was really intrigued by who this guy was and what he was about. Come to find out, he had recently driven all the way from Rio Hondo Texas (near Brownsville) all the way to Denver because Rachel and Columbine had a big impact on his life as well. His website pretty much documented his journey up there and all the things he did.

First I want to mention that up until now, I had felt like I was the only person in the world who was going through what I was dealing with after Columbine. Things were happening in me that I couldn't understand. I never knew Rachel, yet her life had such an impact on me and I had no one to talk to about it. I've never been close to my family or had friends I trusted to talk to. When something so radical happens to you, who was there for me to turn to? I still have a difficult time talking about it because unless you've been there you can't understand.

Ever since that night on April 20th 1999 seeing students mourning inside a local church in Littleton, I wanted to go there and reach out. I had never cared about anybody else like that, much less complete strangers. I've always had this kinship towards people my own age that I can't explain. After years of trying to figure out those feelings and learning everything about what happened that day and then later God showing me who Rachel was, I wanted so badly to go there and see those places for myself. I wanted to go to Columbine High School and more importantly to visit Rachel's grave. The Saturday after Columbine was Rachel's funeral that was broadcast live on CNN. Her casket was white so that friends and family could use black markers to write their goodbyes to her. Even then I had already chosen something I would write to her, even though I never knew her. That was something I could never do though. I can't tell you how far I had come in those four days. Monday April 19th on the bombing memorial I was one person. By the end of the week, I was a total broken mess before God.

Here we are eleven years later, and there is no way I can watch that video. It hurts to admit this, but I don't know if I would feel the same if it were my own parents or brother's funeral. That's how sensitive God had tuned my heart.

Shortly after I joined my old church First Southern Baptist, in 2001 I went on a mission trip to Salt Lake City for the Mormons. I was really excited our stop would take me through Denver. Up until then, I had only dreamed of traveling there but there just was no way I could do it. I was a year out of high school with no direction or purpose. I still did not even have a driver's license because I had no vehicle and no job. I printed out a map of where Rachel's grave is and how close we would be to it. I imagined just leaving everyone for a while and spending time there but I knew that would never happen. I would have to wait three more years to get that chance.

All that to say, when I read through this person's website and saw the photos he had taken of his journey, I absolutely had to talk to him. His name was Mike Santos. We started off talking in emails, but eventually we were chatting on AIM. Mike was the first person I ever met who knew what I went through and had the same feelings as me. He's older than me, and had the means to drive himself all the way from south Texas to Littleton. Seeing photos of how things look there now made it feel like I went on the trip with him.

Over the next year or two we talked a lot and he told me about a few of the people he had gotten to know. One of them was Michael Tamburello who lives in Highlands Ranch. Shortly after Columbine, Michael started the Lullaby For Columbine Project to help raise funds to support family members of the victims and also to help heal the community. He's also a very talented musician, photographer, and the webmaster for the official website for Rachel Joy Scott and LFCNews.

Another person who Mike talked about meeting was Charlotte Wilkinson. She's about a year younger than me and is originally from Canada. When I learned more about her and read her testimony, she was also someone I had to meet. To this very day, there is no one else I know that has almost the same experience as me. Her story sounds almost exactly like mine. She felt like God wanted her to move to Denver and get to know Craig Scott and his family. So she did just that somehow and started college and lived in town for several years until she graduated. What God prompted her to do is exactly what I feel like I've needed to do for so long.

It's really hard to explain why, but the Scott family has had such a big part of my life but yet I have never met most of them. I want so much to be known to them and perhaps be a friend. I feel like I had lost a sister, but yet I never could share my grief and what it meant to me because I was too far away. I desperately want to make that connection and just have my story known. I really hope this is making sense because I have a hard time understanding it. Here it is now eleven years down the road, and I'm still praying I can somehow have that opportunity and maybe move on to what's next for me. It just hurts me deeply to have to wait so long for it and keep hoping. I've cried out to God to just let me understand what all this means. What is the purpose in all this for me, and why do the years keep slipping by without any answers? Why all this grief and sorrow for a person I never knew and this lesson He has taught me with her life? The hardest part of this, is having dealt with these questions completely on my own. How great it would be, if I had the chance to open up to someone in the family about all this and how healing it would be for me. That's where I'm at right now, trying to figure out how to stand out from all the millions of people they get feedback from. Where do I even start? Plus having terrible social anxiety and trying to communicate with people to begin with.

In 2003 I pitched the idea to Mike about both of us going up to Littleton that year. Mike was making it an annual thing to visit. He told me that it's a deeply personal journey for him and that he prefers to go alone, which I totally understood. It wasn't until 2004 that God gave me my opportunity. By then I had a steady job working at the first car rental company I have worked for, and had access to a rental car. I won't get into the details of that trip because most of it is on my testimony page. Michael was planning on doing something out at Dillon Reservoir and getting a group together that summer. When I heard that Craig Scott would also be making it, I knew this had to be my chance. I had not even met Michael then, but had heard enough about him from Mike's trips. I emailed him and told him my story and sure enough, he said he'd love me to come. Here I am a complete stranger and he's letting me join in. Also Charlotte was coming and I would get to meet her and Mike himself.

Probably the single most important thing that happened while I was there, was the last night before I left. Me and Michael hit it off real quick and by the time I left we felt like we knew each other for years. Somehow I was accepted into this small circle of people touched by Rachel's life. Along with the other things I mentioned about Michael and just being a great guy, he also was the caretaker of a lot of Rachel's personal belongings that were entrusted to him by the family. I never once asked about that while I was there, but I will never forget as I was getting ready to head back to my hotel Michael stopped me and asked me if I would like to see Rachel's things. I still to this day can hardly comprehend having this opportunity offered to me so graciously. It's almost too much for me to think about. It was God lovingly offering me this gift that I can never repay Him back. Can you imagine what is going through my head? Michael had spent endless hours going through and scanning her journals for RachelJoyScott.com and all the loose pages were put into binders. Wearing white gloves, he opened the journals slowly and told some of the things he knew from working on it for so long and having cried while reading her writings. When we got to her last journal, Michael told me about something I had never known before. In photos you almost never see Rachel not smiling. She tends to be portrayed as this perfect idealized person who was so happy all the time and wasn't like the rest of us. But when I saw some of her darker artwork and heard that she had considered killing herself at one point, this had a profound impact on me. When I actually saw the things with my own eyes and heard real stories, she seemed so much more like me than I ever imagined. Even today, when I can see her fully for who she was, it's still my greatest desire to follow in her footsteps. I can't imagine why else God would supernaturally change my heart and put her in the forefront of my life for so long that He wasn't using her life as a lesson to me. Here is someone almost exactly my age that had every part of her life infused with such purpose from God that it absolutely broke me to my core. I saw in her what I had wanted in my own life for so long. I just wanted that same meaning and purpose for myself. That's what I had been missing and searched everywhere for. I look at it like God had taken me from where I was back in 1999 and introduced me to someone he wanted me to emulate. This is how He wanted me to be like and how to follow Him.

I cannot describe the burning passion I've had in my heart, the enormous yearning in me to find what I'm here on this Earth to do. Why impact my life so profoundly with amazing things, and yet I have begged and sought God with all my heart and still not given any idea? It's still like looking through a clouded mirror and grasping at smoke. Why has He left me hanging here all these years and left me to figure it out on my own? The past few years, not only have I told myself over and over that God has abandoned me and He hates me, but add onto that feeling like I had gone through all this for nothing. I felt like I had absolutely lost everything that ever meant anything to me. There have been years where I thought it was all over and I had nothing to live for. Somehow I had sinned and walked away too many times and now I had lost something so precious. Every year in April all this would flood back into my memory once again, after the rest of the year going after material things and leaving God out of my life. I can't tell you how deeply that pierced my heart and soul.

The past few weeks I feel like God is restoring me back. I'm so worn out and exhausted by these yearly roller coaster rides of my life. The pain is indescribable when I look at the past decade and feel like I have lived for nothing. Every year just feels so hollow and meaningless. I've never felt like I was going to live all that long and I'm on borrowed time. I feel like my life is already more than half over and I'm running out of time. I'm at the point where I am willing to do anything to get answers from God and get me out of this rut. Absolutely nothing means anything to me right now except Jesus and seeking Him. I want Him so badly I can barely stand it. If only He was there in front of me I would run full speed. Whatever He's trying to show me and what He wants me to do, that's all I want. The rest utterly pales in comparison. This is where my heart truly is and wants to stay.

If you've read the rest of my blog posts, you'll know I've mentioned Desperation Band who I saw recently with Kari Jobe. I did a blog post just on that experience that I won't get into detail again. But Desperation Band is a worship band from New Life Church in Colorado Springs. I was looking at their website and saw a video from the Desperation Conference they do every year. Something about this video gave me chills and stirred my heart. It's like when you're hungry and you see something mouth-watering that it gives you hunger pangs.

As you might have read, I've tried to figure out what reason I had gone to this worship service for. I felt like God wanted me there and nothing seemed to turn out like I had hoped. Perhaps he wanted me to know of this church and conference. I don't want to believe that God does anything coincidentally. If everything works out between now and next year, I would really want to make it to Desperation Conference and pray that God meets me there. I'm already taking a big risk by moving, which I feel I must do, so why not take another? Colorado Springs is only just over an hour drive from where I hope to be staying at.

Speaking of a place to say, during my first visit to Denver in 2004 and the subsequent trip in September, I usually spent most my time with Michael at his place in Highlands Ranch. He's fun to be around and has a lot of stories to tell. When Mike Santos would come up and visit, he would stay at Michael's house to save money. Charlotte as well, before she got an apartment lived there too.

Last year in April I flew up for the 10th anniversary of Columbine. I was only there for a couple of days. Like I said, I transferred there to the Enterprise at the Denver airport for a day. Michael told me that he was doing a wedding in Loveland that day and so I didn't bother coming by his house until around 6pm after I worked. Turned out it was a big mess for him that caused a lot of stress. He ended up not going I believe and he had been home earlier than I thought. I didn't really mind since I needed to make up my hours. I stayed in a downstairs bedroom for two days. Me and Michael went out to eat at the same Chili's we've been to before. It was great just talking to him one on one.

On Sunday the 19th, Michael and I and his cousin (who was also in town) went to church at Orchard Road Christian Center where Rachel had been involved in. It's a pretty neat place that is like a mall turned into a church. It had been about a year then since I had been in a church service and I felt really satisfied in my spirit when we left. Afterward we visited Michael's daughter Nina at the condo she was living in. She was sharing it with her fiance Thomas's sister. Then we went to Clement Park to see the new Columbine Memorial.
Back in 2004 when I visited Clement Park, there was a sign that said "Future Site of Columbine Memorial". One of the things I really wanted to connect with were all the places I had only seen in pictures over the years. It's never the same unless you actually go there. One of the last things that was still untouched since April 20th was Rebel Hill and Clement Park. With the new memorial, there is nothing else in the original state it was. It's sad in a sense that it took so long to finally visit that it's all gone now. But the memorial is really beautiful. You can only linger in that moment of time for so long before God is ready for everyone to move on. God never lets things happen without a reason and has a plan for every thing that happens on this Earth, whether for good or bad. One day it will all pass away from memory.

Of course we also visited Chapel Hill Cemetery where Rachel's grave is. Most of Denver had been blanketed in snow from the previous days and there was plenty of it around her headstone. I did my best to make it presentable for others who were sure to stop and pay respects.

I've never really talked much about what it's like spending time at her grave site. I say a little bit about it in my testimony. There's something so moving about being there that only my spirit could begin to speak to God about it. It's like when you don't know what to say so the Holy Spirit intercedes for me. It's similar to the night I got to see her things at Michael's house. I always bring yellow flowers since she liked that color. If the headstone is messy or covered with debris I do my best to clean it. It's such a flood of different emotions that run through me. Most of it is tremendous respect for my contemporary who fought the good fight and won her race and her story speaks throughout eternity. Mixed with that is a deep sorrow for how hollow my life feels in comparison. The cry of my heart is to leave my own legacy in the world and carry the torch she laid down. I want to do big things for God and rally my generation to live for God as she did. To cast away all traces of the wordly things that grip us and change the world for Christ. Bold ideas for sure, considering I almost shut down when I'm around people, can't look others in the eye, and have so much anxiety when there are others around me.

On Monday the 20th there was a big gathering planned at Clement Park and everything else you would expect with the media. I really wanted to go, but Michael was having his own plans for that night. They had been to enough anniversaries over the years. Michael was having guests over his house, including Bruce Porter. Bruce gave the eulogy at Rachel's funeral and issued the challenge for her generation to "pick up the torch" that Rachel had carried with her witness for Jesus and her compassion. This was probably the highlight for the visit, getting to meet him. He signed a copy of his book The Martyr's Torch for me. He spoke that night to all the folks Michael had invited over and did a presentation.

I think I've gone on long enough in one blog post. There's just so much I want to write about and a great deal of things that are so dear to me. I deeply hope that God will open up doors for me to share my life with the Scott's and lead me to where He wants me to go next. I'm so ready to move forward. I desperately want to hear from Him.

Back in 2002, who would have know just clicking a banner in a message board would lead to all this. Some of the greatest experiences of my life. Father keep doing great things in my life like you have done in the past. Don't let my failings and weakness stop what you are doing. You said that:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)

Help me stand on that truth and not let it get robbed from me. Give me peace that nothing I've done has changed anything you are doing in my life.

I'll end this post with a link to my 2004 vacation photos in Colorado. Enjoy.

Tuesday May 25 2010

2010-05-25T00:42:00.010-05:00

There's so much to blog about in the past few days. I don't know where to start. When I'm at work doing something, my mind runs all over the place and I can actually think. When I get home, my mind shuts down and then I can't write. Then I just don't have the time, and then it's back to work again.

I feel like God is restoring me back to Him again. I thought I had lost everything these past two or three years. I mean, where did the time go? The last I remember it was like 2006. I haven't been in fellowship with other believers and had any kind of church since around the summer of 2007 and even that was just my old church The Jesus Place meeting at Will Rogers Park because we lost our coffee shop. Before that they lost two other buildings. I can't tell you how depressing it feels to look at your life and see all this time gone you can't get back. It's hard to believe God has a plan for me, but lets me throw it all away. I'm so sick of regret. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. For years, I was convinced I had lost my salvation and was just wasting away here until I end up in Hell. God has given up on me and moved on to someone else. These are things I repeated over and over in my head. The past few days, I feel like I'm alive again. I have this hope that I haven't had in so long that I can't remember. I wish so much that I had people around me for support and who understand me. People I can tell everything and who I can trust. I've been alone for most of my life now and it's been the biggest obstacle in my way. If only I had people outside of my own thoughts who could pray for me and snap me out of my daze.

It all started this year with the 11th anniversary of Columbine. Every year at that time, all my biggest hopes and many years of memories flood back to my mind and the things I really care about. After spending the rest of the time going after material pursuits and dead ends. Putting distractions in my way so I can cope with my life instead of dealing with it. It's impossible to make progress when all I got is myself. The idea of starting another church, with a lot of people I don't know had kept me away from going anywhere. My last church, nobody understood me and I got nothing out of going there for six years. Dealing with social anxiety and communication problems makes it so much worse. Everyone I meet seems to be interested in themselves.

After the Kari Jobe & Desperation Band show, I just hit the bottom again. I had such high hopes for that service. There had to be some reason for me being there. I mean, what's the chance that I find that pamphlet for the church with the show information on it right before I go to lunch? If you don't know the whole story, you should read further down my blog. It seemed like a sign to me that I was supposed to go there. A few weeks before I had not even heard of her or Desperation Band. Now I got VIP tickets to this show and I just happen to find a paper in a car with more information on it. I mean it's mind boggling low probability that it could happen by chance. When that entire experience seemed to be hollow, I just couldn't take it anymore. Too long I had given up and not talked to anyone. I desperately needed someone, anyone to talk to. I left the event more hurt than I already was.

This whole month it seems that everyone is ignoring me. I've lost count how many messages I've sent people trying to talk to someone. I never get anything back. I emailed the pastor of Frontline Church in downtown OKC and got a reply today. If only I can just get Sundays off, maybe I can start going to church again.

It's getting late, so I'll leave with this for now. I heard another new song today that really spoke to me. There's a lot of these lately it seems. When you hear a song like this all of a sudden in the middle of what you're feeling, it's like God talking to me.

Before the Morning by Josh Wilson

A lot of people, including me, don't always see the Word of God like they really should see it. Perhaps you see it as something you feel obligated to read or it's just an important book. But I'm telling you, the truths in Scripture are like the life support you need to have to life in this ruined and fallen world. It's literally what will sustain you. Like the crazy people who get thrills out of jumping from an airplane 30,000 feet in the air. I know where I'm going when I die, but there's not a chance you would get me doing that. You have to put a lot of faith into something that could possibly fail you. You assume the rip cord will function properly and that it was packed correctly. There's almost no chance to survive if one or more things don't work the way they're supposed to.

Another example are the scuba gear and oxygen tanks people use when underwater. Or people outside the space shuttle wearing protective suits in a hostile environment. The only thing keeping me going right now, sustaining me and giving me hope is my faith in God's Word. I would hope you accept all scriptures as truth and not pick ones that you choose to believe and reject others. Certain verses seem to ring like a harmonious note when put together. I always believed each individual verse was true, but when put together they have an even more powerful impact. All day every day, I have to meditate and remind myself of these verses and throw out the lies I've told myself for so long.

Ephesians 1:4-6

For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will to the praise of his glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.

Ephesians 1:13-14

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession to the praise of His glory.

Ephesians 4:30

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you wee sealed for the day of redemption.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, He also called: those He called, He also justified, those He justified, He also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died, more than that, who was raised to life, is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

John 6:39

And this is the will of Him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that He has given me, but raise them up on the last day.

John 10:28-29

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one.

Titus 3:4-7

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Numbers 23:19

God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?

God is not like us, who tend to do things as we go along because we cannot see tomorrow. God knew me and His other children before He even created the Earth. He knew who I would be, what I would be like, where I would live and what I was supposed to do. When you build something, it tends to be a good idea to have the tools ready before you start and have a plan laid out. God is infinitely more prepared to do and finish what He started. God also does not change His mind halfway and start over again. My life isn't really about including God in it. It's me figuring out what God has already started and is already doing. You shouldn't wait until you have problems and then talk to God. Don't go to Him telling all your problems that He already knows. God is not a part of our plan, but rather we're a part of His. He's the one who chose us first and died for us when we didn't even care. Like I've mentioned before, if you have watched The Passion of the Christ or any other passion play, why would Jesus go through all that suffering, only to then change His mind and decide to abandon me? Who would go through all that, then decide that "Oh, well that didn't work out. Maybe I'll move on to someone else." It's ridiculous to think, yet I told myself these things.

Well it's almost 1am on Tuesday morning. I'd like to get at least five hours of sleep on my friday. I'll post more when I get rest.

Day in the life of me

2010-05-23T00:13:00.012-05:00

I woke up at the usual time on Saturday, at 3am. I get ready for work and barely have enough time on the computer to do anything and then I'm out the door. I noticed a status update from Andy Youso saying how he hates Facebook Games but would play a game where you were Wilford Brimley delivering diabeetus supplies on horseback.

Naturally I found an actual flash game that you control Wilford Brimley's head with the mouse and try to eat candy and syringes falling from the sky. Pretty funny, so I post it on his Facebook wall. I also ran across an actual NES game with YouTube proof. Fun stuff until some rogue anti-virus software decides to install itself on my ever-virus-free computer from that flash game site. All the while Norton Internet Security is blissfully unaware of it. This is the first time Norton has ever not worked for me. This was minutes before I walked out the door and had to forget about it until I got home later. When I got to work I deleted the link to the flash site and spared poor Andy all the trouble. Mr. Brimley gets his revenge.

I try to get to work around 4:40am and still have a few minutes alone to myself and God. I really do need Him to help me get through every day. I ask to be filled with the Spirit, but I don't believe I've felt that no matter how much I ask or would want to be. I just want to get through the day without feeling completely drained and frustrated. Listening to The House FM is what really helps me do that and try to focus on God. Certain songs lately have really spoken to my heart and are like my life put to music. As the day wears on, it's real easy for me to think about how my life doesn't amount to anything I want it to be and all the other things I've told myself over and over. My experience in this life is so much more real to me than even putting my trust in what the Bible says about me. When you throw in how ridiculously windy today was and trying to clean cars like that, it doesn't take much to push me into depression. Imagine sticking your head out the window while traveling 70mph on the highway. That's how windy is gets here. Go outside and try to clean your car in 30mph wind gusts, with the doors flying open or closed on you, having chemicals to remove caked-up bug guts on the front of cars spray all over your face, glass cleaner evaporating into your eyes when you try to pray it on the windows, pollen making your eyes feel like you got sand in them, and the list goes on. Something about wind makes me feel like there's people all around me pushing and shoving me. I really don't like that feeling. It makes an already frustrating and pointless job bad enough.

I finally just sat in the car and had enough of it. When depression hits me, all I can do is just hang my head and feel like I'm absolutely nothing. It's a crushing weight that is so heavy and you feel like there's no hope. I lost all the will to even live and do anything at all but sit there. Your every thought and action seems pointless and I feeling like dying on the spot. Simply existing becomes too much to bear. I can't express what this feels like to anyone who hasn't been there before. I have to keep reminding myself that for some reason God wanted to open my eyes and change my heart towards Him and that He doesn't change His mind. It's up to Jesus to preserve me until the end.

Philipians 1: 6

Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

I can't tell you how difficult that is to believe when depression makes you feel like nothing can reach you.

While I'm sitting there, a new song I haven't heard starts playing and I listen to the lyrics.

You're Not Alone by Down Here

I'm way past the point where simple things like this can drastically change my mind, because I've been let down so many times before. But it did help me some, enough to pull me out and change my thoughts. If I'm not alone, then why do I always feel so far away from God? I'm in the process of giving everything up that's not helping me grow in Christ, and I'll continue to do that until I see something happen. Doesn't God say He'll draw close to you if you do the same?

Here's another new song that expresses something I ask every single day.

Speak To Me by Remedy Drive

Later on in the afternoon, I volunteered at the Apostles of Comedy at Crossroads Church. I honestly didn't feel like going, but I brought my dad's video camera and handed out House FM cards. It's not easy for me to say hello to strangers and smile. That's pretty sad to say. I guess it helps to get better at it by doing it.

My greatest dream

2010-05-20T15:19:00.003-05:00

It's such a beautiful day outside. Along with being off work, that's the best combination. Unfortunately, I've spent almost all my time on here, or inside trying to figure my life out. No distractions, no radio or television. Trying my best to clear out the fog that's inside my head and my heart. Everything is like shifting sand that I can't grasp and hold onto.

I spent about an hour out on the back porch. It's one of those days that you wish could last forever, but the clock is always ticking. The conditions outside are just the pinnacle of weather here in Oklahoma. Bright and warm and a little breezy. Life going about everywhere you look. Birds chirping, and clouds drifting by in the sky. It all feels really empty when you're me, and don't see what my purpose on this earth is. It feels so hollow.

I started thinking and praying to God. The way I've always done it is just to talk. I've never been good at doing official prayers and praying over someone. When it's me and God, I just talk. I don't know of any other way to do it. I told God what he already knows. What my greatest dream is above everything else.

With my last minutes on earth, and my dying breath, I want that peace that surpasses all understanding. I want to know in my heart that everything I had gone through, and everything I had done with my life was exactly what God had created me to do and now I get to be with Him and my story is complete. I want to feel indescribable joy at that moment and know it was all worth it. God had not let me fail life and He always had a purpose for me.

That dream is like smoke between my fingers when I try to grasp it and hold on. If I whisper it, it vanishes. I am willing to do whatever it takes to meet that dream. I'll give up everything if I have to. I'm pretty much a task oriented person. I've always just done what people tell me to do. If only I just knew exactly what I was supposed to do in any given moment, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that's not how things work it seems. You have to daily wrestle with doubts and never seem to know exactly where things are going. Just living from one day to the next. It's so exhausting tackling it alone. Like walking through a desert without supplies or any aid. That dream seems to get further away the longer I walk towards it.

I would be honest to say that I never really wanted to live past my 20s. I really don't want to live past the 30s for sure. I'm really praying I can make up the past ten years in the next ten years and that be all. Every single one of us is here to do a job. This world is not our home, and I don't aim to make it so. We're all slowly dying and everything we have is decaying. The world is a terminal patient on it's last days anyway. We have eternity to be happy and live our lives with God forever. I don't want to "enjoy" this life. I just want to do my job here and be done with it. I really hope it's short but significant. I wish I could be used to do big things for God and leave a legacy that would inspire people to do the same. That's perhaps the next greatest thing I hope for. I don't want to be another average nobody. Not that everyone living for Jesus can change the world, that's not what I'm saying. Maybe I never will, but I at least want the peace to know it was what I'm supposed to do.

New Songs

2010-05-18T23:59:00.008-05:00

One of the downsides to listening to Christian music or Christian radio frequently is the possibility that you get too used to hearing it and songs just become sound. Instead of ministering to you and hearing the message in the lyrics. Unfortunately for me a lot of new songs have been that way lately. Over the past week or so, I've began trying to hear what the lyrics are saying and what the song is about. Some songs that I'm quite familiar with have a whole new meaning now. Here are a few of them that really speak to where I am and how I'm feeling.

These Hands by JJ Heller

This song was almost written about me in mind. I have no idea how many times I've prayed for God to take me to the next step in my walk with Him and give me some idea why in the world I'm here. Eleven years out, I'm still asking and begging for some answer. Whatever I'm created to do in this world, I want to do it with all my heart. I'm so desperate for that, I will do whatever it takes. If I could only have some inkling what that could be. I have never had a clue what I was going to do with my life. Just take it Jesus and do whatever you want with it. There's almost nothing I can offer that's of any use. I began telling myself maybe He changed his mind. But God doesn't change His mind. He's not a human being who makes mistakes. I need people around me to snap me out of those thoughts, but I'm so used to telling myself that. I've thought about this all day today. Has anyone out there seen The Passion of the Christ?

I saw this in theaters and it was an experience I've never had before. The whole movie, the theater was dead silent. People were crying and there was this presence there that you could feel in the air. It absolutely kills me to see what happened to Him because of me, and how messed up I am. How I've neglected Him and not been loyal. Why does he allow me to wander off and waste my precious time doing nothing? For some reason today, I had this image in my mind of a parent and a young child. When the child is old enough to be led by the hand out in the public, perhaps at a fair or a park. The child has no idea of the dangers the parent is watching for and protecting him or her from. There is never a second thought in the child's mind that his mom or dad cares for them and would never let them get hurt. They just trust with a child's faith. I want so much to be convinced in my heart that that's what Christ is doing in my life, but I've lost that trust by things that have happened that did nothing but hurt me and make me worse off. How many times I've wandered from the dreams I would die for and care more about than anything else in the world. Traded for useless junk that only gives me fleeting happiness. Why does He let me wander off into a ditch or fall down the stairs?

I've literally cried a lifetime's worth of tears, until I thought I was so numb I could never cry again. Tears of helplessness up to a God that was the only thing that could help me. It's hard to imagine Him hating to see me cry when it only makes me feel worse. I eventually just quit doing it because I never seemed to get His attention. God took the initiative with me in the first place, or else I would not care anything about Him. When you couple that concept with what he went through portrayed in the movie, and the fact that He never changes his mind, and scripture saying nothing can take me out of His hands, I wonder what really is the truth for me. Where do I stand anymore. Is that for everyone else or certain people, or have I already lost my chances. No sooner do I try to hold on to the hope, I either convince myself otherwise or it's just snatched away. I really don't know what to believe anymore.

If you cared enough for your best friend, that you would be willing to be beaten and tortured for their sake, how would you feel if that person then doubted your sincerity? What if they just shrugged and got interested in other things? Doesn't everyone out there do that to Christ? You know how much it kills me to see that I do that? I don't ever want anything else to come between me and Him. I could believe all these things for another person, but it's become almost impossible to believe it for myself. I've already gone through too many roller coaster rides, walked away too many times. I wish so much something could happen to dispel the doubt once and for all. How can I feel like this and truly be in God's hands? Does God really want someone like me? When I look at beautiful people like Kari Jobe who is such an awesome creation of God who's life touches people all over the world and can sing with a voice that can make me stop in the middle of working and feel an anointing. Then I look at me and it's just a joke. I'm one of those ugly art pieces that stays in a closet covered with dust.

Wait and See by Brandon Heath

My life is like a long serious of seemingly meaningless experiences. Like trying to make sense of a huge puzzle where pieces are missing and it's in black and white. If you record a hundred different movies and splice random scenes together, that's what most of my life looks like when I look back at it. Nothing seems to fit together or show even the slightest bit of purpose. So many things that I wonder, why did I do that? What was the point of it? This song at least tries to give me hope that maybe, just maybe there's some greater plan and all of it was for a reason. That's all I can really do is hope.

Rediscover You by Starfield

I don't know how many times I've willingly hit my blinker and took a detour to a dead end on the highway of my life. The dreams and things I yearn for with all my heart that I would run towards, things that mean more to me than anything else, and I just walk away and follow empty pursuits. All the while knowing it will give me nothing in return and not help me reach the goals. At the rate I've been going, how will I ever finish my own race and receive my own crown? Is it too much to hope that somehow I will hear "Thou Good and Faithful Servant"? Those words would be the ultimate fulfillment. I've lost count how many times I've disqualified myself and chose to sit on the sidelines. I've all but given up the past two years. I've never mentioned this, but I was pretty much convinced I was separated from God and He was through with me and I was going to Hell. Really, I had given up all the hopes and dreams and I felt like my life was over. I was just existing. I gave in to everything I hate and all that I had worked for to get out of my life. No matter how great I looked on the outside, I was dead on the inside. For some reason, God chooses to breath new life into me once again and work me back on the right path.

I've been reading through this website I stumbled upon recently called Got Questions?.com. Today actually, since I'm a "fan" on Facebook, I noticed they now have an iPad app that is totally awesome. It loads quicker than viewing it in Safari on my iPad. It's so handy to pull up if you knew somebody who had a question, or even to just read it again. This website has helped me immensely to get my faith in my own salvation back. It's like a voice of reason that forces out the lies I've told myself. If God chooses you, He doesn't change His mind. Once I'm a child of His, there is no way the God of the universe would let me fall out of His hands. If you truly belong to Him, He will always bring you back no matter how far you wander off. Some how I've got to hold on to that truth and never let go, and fall into the hopeless depression again. If I'm left to my own thoughts, I'll be back to not wanting to live again.

Old songs

2010-05-17T00:15:00.009-05:00

I can't tell you how hard it was to get up four hours after typing the last post, and feel like going to work. It's really hard to see the reason for doing it when you don't feel like living anymore. I managed to do the routine anyway since I really don't have a choice. Time keeps on moving forward whether you want it to or not. Willing my feet to put one foot in front of the other, even though I feel like a soul-less robot.

This was going to be a very long day. Today is Sunday, so eventually The House of Worship came on The House FM and that really helped me get through it. It helped get things off my mind. The only music I crave listening to anymore is all praise and worship. It kind of hurt to hear certain songs again, like Counting on God from Desperation Band and Revelation Song again. It made me think of hearing it for the first time and how I ended up going to the show the night before. How I felt like I was supposed to be there and I imagined great things happening for me, which none of it did. I tried to really digest and soak up what each song I heard had to say instead of just hearing the melody.

Ever have a song come on the radio that is one you haven't heard in a while, but it's a song that instantly takes you back to a certain place? Especially one you don't expect to hear? For me the song is Hungry from the Hungry (Falling On My Knees) album sung by Kathryn Scott. This song always takes me back to the year 2000...

Once upon a time, not long after Columbine had a huge impact on me, I used to spend time on Yahoo chat rooms. This was back when we had dial-up AOL internet. I forget how I ended up on there, but I always would go to the Christian Teens chat room. On certain nights, a guy named Eric Bohall would come on the microphone and he would have church right there in the chat room and preach. It was up to the other people whether or not they wanted to block him. A lot of it was just Christian music, and almost all stuff I had never heard before. At that point in my life, I had not even considered listening to Christian music. This was still long before 2004 when I started listening to KLOVE and then later on The House FM. The thought of listening or owning any Christian music never entered my mind, which seems very odd looking back. Something about people my age in a chat room typing praises and talking about their faith really interested me and made me come back every night. I met quite a few people, and you have to remember that these were some of the first Christian brothers and sisters I ever met. Especially that were my age or younger. When I started going back to church with my grandparents a few years before, it was just old people basically. I had this strong desire to bond with people my age, like Rachel Scott had done in her life before she died. Remember, that this was the summer of 2000 and I had just graduated from high school. I was in a period of time that always scared me to death thinking about, because I had no idea what I was going to do after school and really my life in general. I had even hoped I died before school was out, it scared me so much.

So this was the beginnings of how I would later on that year join my first church, First Southern Baptist, and their student ministry but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, it was cool seeing them type praises and reading them worship. Here I am 18 years old and I yearned for a relationship with believers my own age, since I never had anything like a student ministry where I had been going. I didn't know the name for it then, but you would call it a "house church". The downside to a public chat room, was that there were obviously people who wanted to cause trouble, or spam the chat room with garbage. Or come on their microphone and make you have to block them. Sometimes they would get pretty vocal and argumentative about what Christians were doing. I'll never forget, there was one girl named Jennifer who would just keep on praising Jesus no matter what insults they hurled at her. I felt like I should send her a private message and tell her how proud I was for her standing up for her faith. We eventually began to talk more and she become one of the first people I really opened up to about my life. She would always listen to what I had to say and give me encouragement. I later on felt comfortable telling her this, but I saw Rachel in her. She had the same light in her Rachel had to stand up for Jesus. I had asked God to put someone in my life who was like Rachel, and she really fit the bill.

One song that Jennifer really liked was called Hungry. It grew on me after a while, and I began thinking of buying that album. This would be one of the first Christian CDs I would ever buy. It was a totally new thing for me. She encouraged me to buy it and it would help me get closer to God. I still have this CD of course, and it's out of print now. But I remember opening it up and looking at the lyrics to the songs. The booklet had pictures of the Vineyard artists playing instruments or singing and I had a deep longing to be like them. I could see on their faces in the pictures that they were genuinely worshiping God. I wanted so much to be able to do that too, but have always felt a wall or barrier there than I still can't explain.

I played that album quite a bit and a few songs really stood out to me. One is Hungry of course, the original song. But the three others were You Are A Holy God, Child of God, and Breathe. I don't know how many times I would lay in bed with a CD player and headphones, and just try my hardest to get close to God listening to those songs. I would just cry until I couldn't stop but always felt separated and light years apart. I guess I just assumed if you want it and do your best, Jesus would just show up and be there or I would feel something. But it never really did. Every time I would hear those songs after that, it reminded me of that experience and felt really bittersweet. Instead of it being a good thing, it made me deeply sad. I still don't know of many songs that could ever bring a person closer to God than these three songs. Until I heard Revelation Song only a few weeks ago no other song had the same presence about them.

It's funny how things in life are all linked together, like a giant web. A series of events that are tied together somehow. When I first heard Revelation Song, Kari's voice reminded me of Kathryn Scott. Listening to them side by side, they are clearly different, but I guess it was the genuine heart behind the voice that sounded similar to my ear. Other than the incredible anointing that comes from that song, the fact that she reminded me of the songs from the Hungry album was one of the reasons I looked into who sang it and learned who Kari was.

Most of what I'm talking about here, absolutely nobody knows about. It's one of those things that would die with me if I never wrote or talked about it. These are just some of the things I experienced on my own with no help or support. I guess because it was Jesus who came to me first and opened my eyes, I just assumed He would keep telling me what to do next. I had no care in the world for Christianity and religion. As a matter of fact, I had nothing but contempt for it, even though deep inside I felt guilty. In my mind, all I needed was me and God and I didn't need anyone else. What a huge mistake that has been. Ever since at least the age of thirteen, I've literally felt like an orphan. I had to grow up and figure things out for myself. When I began, or at least started trying to walk with God, I was completely on my own. No guidance, support or anything. I had to internalize things and I kept everything I went through to myself. What a lonely, isolated journey it's been. Along with this, anxiety and depression you become your own worst enemy.

Ever get that feeling in you, like God asking you to spend time in prayer, or you feel like you need to spend time talking to God? I was so heavy with that as the day went by. I got home and sat near a bedroom window. The same window I used to spend time talking to God over the years, hoping to hear something back. The same window I looked out of the day of the Columbine memorial in 1999 and cried my eyes out. I don't know how many times I've done this, but it had been a very long time since I cried until I shook and couldn't breath. You ever feel so completely lost, lonely, isolated, confused and exhausted from life that the only thing left is God to turn to? I haven't really felt like this since 1997 when I first went to God to help me escape from hopelessness and the complete madness I found myself with. To the point where you're literally begging God for some kind of escape from such pain. There's no way that human beings are supposed to handle this kind of hurting. Over the past few weeks, it seemed that I was cut off from God and every single other human being around me. It seemed like every single person I tried to talk to, would not reply and it was like doors shut in my face. I wanted so badly to just talk to somebody, anybody and had no one.

I had hoped that with Kari Jobe and the Desperation Band, surely I could break the barrier and have Jesus flood all through me. But still, it was like the door was shut on me and I could just put my ear up to the door and listen to others around me. I could see and hear but not feel. It hurt so much to hear Jon Egan from Desperation Band and Kari talk about how they felt there were people in the congregation who were chained up and could not worship freely because of oppression. That was just how I had always felt. But then at the end of the service you can't talk to them, they leave and have to go to another city and I'm left there with nothing. Just the lonely walk to the car and back to the same emptiness. I would have given anything to spend a whole week with those guys who could help me. I need people around me who are strong and passionate enough to make a difference.

I was so desperate to talk to anyone, I posted a few status updates on Facebook just to get any attention at all from someone. Thanks to Shaun, Elisha, Sheryl, Janelle and Elizabeth for talking to me. One reason I avoid talking about myself, is I feel like a leech stealing people's time. I don't feel like I'm worth the trouble. I really wish I could be so overflowing with God in me that I could share with everyone around me and make a difference for other people. Instead it's always about me.

I'm so spent from the past 24 hours. I'll post more when I get rest.

Kari Jobe & Desperation Band worship service

2010-05-15T23:48:00.007-05:00

I will admit, I was pretty nervous and anxious about going to this event. I had no idea what to expect. As usual, I imagine great things and hope for the best. But reality never comes close to what I can think up in my head.

The Cathedral Church is pretty far out there on the other side of town for me. It's a really nice place, with plenty of parking, bridges over water with birds and it's all around a beautiful church. I got there a little after 5pm. I thought about maybe helping out if anyone would let me, so I went ahead and came early. I walked in the door and there were already people there setting up. Nobody really said anything, so I assumed I was supposed to be in there that early. I walked over to where the tables were and the sanctuary entrance is. They have a big round table and a place that sells coffee. It's pretty big and wide open with chairs. I asked one guy if anyone needed help and I'm there early, and they said there's nothing they need me to do. When I'm around a lot of strangers, I feel like they don't want me to be there and I stand out. That makes it very hard to start talking to people. After a while, they brought tables near where I was leaning on the round table, to start taking tickets. I started talking to two girls who were sisters. We talked for a while about different things. I had my iPad with me and showed it to them. This would end up being the only real conversation I had all night. I already have forgotten their names which is too bad.

I mentioned I had VIP tickets, and they let me know when it was ready to go down the hallway to a rehearsal room. I was the first one to the door, and other people followed behind me. I think there was about 35 people in all. They eventually let us in and we lined up against the wall. After about fifteen minutes they let us in, and I started shaking hands one after the other. The first guys were Desperation Band. I got the usual beard compliment and I totally don't have the skills to not feel like a complete idiot. This whole thing lasted about five minutes. When I got to Kari, she was talking with some people and the line stopped. She turned to me and we shook hands. I can hardly remember what incoherent things came out of my mouth. I don't know how to handle those situations and I almost shut down completely. It's just pathetic. I mentioned that this was my first time at this church, and about an interview she did with The House FM. I don't know if I made any sense at all to her. It lasted maybe ten seconds and then I had to move on out the door. There were a few guys taking photos, and I asked them if they could take a picture but they said there's no way to send it or whatever. So that was it. They had us go back down the hall and take a seat in the VIP section. It started in the second row from the front. Kari's parents were there and they sat in front of me.

This was already turning out different that I had hoped. I guess I'm just a fool to think it would be like I had imagined. The service started with a lady who opened on piano, who I don't know what her name was. Eventually Desperation Band and Kari came out and did their thing. It had been so very long since I had been in a worship service where you know God's presence is there. But as always, no matter how hard I try, I feel like there's an unbreakable barrier between me and them and God and I can't get through it. All I can do is watch others dance and worship. Kari had her bible out, and she was a little emotional about a verse from Psalms. She said that she knew there were people here who have a hard time trusting God and there are things keeping you from being free to worship God that night. I can't say it at all like she said it, but it was like she was talking right to me.

Here's a clip from the Lubbock Texas show the day after this.
Heartwork Tour- Lubbock from Desperation Band on Vimeo.

During the whole service I felt like the most alone and insignificant person in the whole room. Like I'm literally nothing at all and nobody can help me. I'm bound up and imprisoned. I'm so nervous that I hold my hands close to my chest and scratch my palms. No matter how much I want to, I feel like there's no life in me and I might as well not be a living person. I'm dead inside and nothing but an empty void. Instead of getting joy and feeling God's presence there, it makes me feel so small and alone. It's everything I normally feel, magnified a hundred times. I don't know how to tell you how it feels. How can I feel this empty and be alive? Why do I have to be like this? There's no person there that can help or make it better. It's like being shut out of a door, and all you can do is put your ear up to it and listen and imagine what's going on inside. I don't know how in the world I got this way and how I can do anything about it. It's like I have no soul. You might wonder how people can take a razor and cut their wrists and bleed to death, or blow the top of their head off with a shotgun, but when you're life amounts to this kind of experience then it no longer seems unimaginable. It's one thing to not know Christ and the hope there is for you. It's a whole other thing to know the truth and try and still feel the same. All I wanted was for somebody to say something to me, or notice me there. But in the end, there was only the usual lonely walk to my car and back home. The same kind I'm so used to. Driving home, I remembered the promo House FM cd I had kept to give Kari that I forgot all about. It's not like she would have wanted to carry it around anyway. What a waste.

I just don't know at all anymore. The few dreams I've managed to conjure up might be all empty imaginations too. Maybe I did something wrong or who knows. I just didn't get anything out of it, and probably will never get anything out of whatever else I do before I die, which I hope is sooner rather than later.

Gotta get up in three hours and go back to the life-sucking job. I have no idea how much of this "living" I can keep on enduring.

Escape Tribulation? Wrong!

2010-05-13T22:31:00.003-05:00

Jesus, let me be an overcomer.

Struggles

2010-05-13T11:50:00.004-05:00

God's been drawing me back to Himself the past few weeks. Or at least I really hope so. Like I have mentioned before, my life is like a continual roller coaster ride. This past year has just been a joke, as far as having any fellowship with Christ or making any progress in my walk with Him. I've had it in my head for so long that He's disgusted with me and everything I am and do. I hate myself for not living up to the standards that He expects and just giving up on things. Why do I keep doing things I know I should not do? I hear people talk about feeling God's love and presence and such things. Oh how I wish I could believe He's standing there with open arms, and how I want to believe He has amazing things planned for me. It just seems completely contrary to my experience up to this point, all the real evidence. When I'm completely alone dealing with this, and battling the thoughts and emotions in my own heart and mind, there seems to be nothing solid to hold on to. As quickly as I grab on, I lose it again. I'm endlessly condemning myself, saying I have no worth, no talents, and I am only good at offending God with my very existence. I feel like this thing that looks like a human being, but all the life and will to live has been sucked out of me. I feel like some crumpled, discarded paper laying on the ground that missed the trash can. My life is like a shattered mirror, made up of a million random experiences that are impossible to make sense of.

I have been at this place I'm at now many times before. I come to the crest of the roller coaster ride, giving it one more shot at getting it right. I try to read my bible again regularly, but all the words feel condemning and rob me of hope instead of the way it should be. I don't know if it's me doing it to myself, or something else. I want to believe in it with all my heart, but the truth I want to believe in doesn't stick. It gets snatched away again and I fall into depression. I've got no one to talk to, and I hear in my head that no one can help me anyway. No one understands me and no one knows me. I haven't been to church regularly in about two years. I got so tired of not being able to relate to perfect Christian people, with awesome families and feeling like I'm the most screwed up person in the whole church. I stand out and don't fit in with how everyone else looks. Just being me and existing at all makes me feel isolated and apart from everybody and everything.

I guess one way I tried to get God's attention was to slowly pick myself apart from the inside, and tell myself that I'm nothing and worthless. Maybe if I did everything short of killing myself, I would feel God come over me and make it all right. Maybe if I cried enough tears and lowered myself to less than dirt, things would somehow change. When you walk down the street, you never give a care to all the insects and insignificant things you step on as you walk by, and that's how I feel about myself. I'm somewhere on the same level as an insect that struggles hopelessly, only to get squashed without a care. I've lost all sense of worth in myself and I just sort of exist. What in the world kind of awful creature am I? Things like me shouldn't even be living on the earth at all. What good am I to God? I can't look at people in the eye without looking down. I put myself in their shoes, and think that they don't want me being around. Just the thought of me being around makes me want to stay away from people.

I came to God because I had no hope left. I was scared to death of dying and I saw no purpose in life. The only thing worse than that, is learning the truth, then coming back to the same conclusion again. Not only have I failed in life by not knowing God and being an enemy, now I feel like I failed the only hope I had and I am back where I started. Why must things be so difficult? Isn't wanting what God wants and to change with all my heart enough? What am I doing wrong? What else can I do?

I eventually give up once again, defeated and more alone than ever. Each time, it feels more hopeless trying again and expecting the same result. Every time, I lose a piece of myself. If there really is no point or reason I'm here, what's the point in living? I start following after materialistic pursuits again, thinking I need this or that. I intentionally walk down another dead end road that I know will not give me the fulfillment and fill the void in me. I waste another year trying to buy more stuff and fill it with things. It's all just a joke. How can someone like me even belong in this world? When everything that makes you want to get up and keep living another day is gone, what else is left? I feel like a living dead person. My whole existence is getting up, doing the same thing at work every day, go to sleep and repeat. What I've been doing for the past six years, is like a black hole that sucks everything out of me I try to build up and I start over every day. It's impossible for me to be in a good mood and make a positive change. My current job is the best job I've ever had, but I absolutely can't stand it anymore. I'm so tired of it and I want to spend my life doing things that actually matter and count for something. But I have never had any idea what that thing is. I've never had a single clue why I'm even here or what I'm good for. I can't even talk to people and be a human being. I've got no one but myself, and I am my own worst enemy.

I've got so much junk that I need to get rid of. Compared to what I hope for with God, it's all garbage. Things I've put before God and the countless idols. I want to sell it all and get rid of it. Junk that just sits there that I spent my hard earned money for and it's good for nothing. I'm so tired of knowing better, but collecting so much stuff that I don't need. Things that are nothing more than weights that I tie to my own leg and keep me further from God rather than help me get closer.

I've been a gamer most of my life. Ever since I was around six years old, it was a pretty big part of my life. I could write a whole blog post just on that, but I don't feel like it. Even after I had my eyes opened, and I saw things how God sees them and had a changed heart and new priorities, I still gave far too much time with these things. They really are nothing but insidious tools to use fleeting entertainment to rob you of your precious God-given time here on earth with something so absolutely pointless. Try to imagine how God thinks about it. You're not promised another five minutes of life, and what do we do with it? We as Christians have it so easy living in this bubble world called the United States of America where we live in luxury. This is not even the real world here. The real world is outside the borders of this nation. The dark, ruined and evil world that's always existed. A place where you as a Christian are hated and people want to kill you. This place we live is just a fluke in history. There has never been another nation like this one. We don't have to worry about meeting together as Christians and having people bust in a kill us all. Or throw us in prison. God put us here as a sort of sanctuary to have the freedom to grow in Him and then go out and make a difference in the world. We've grown too used to all the material things we have and forget about God. How do you think this makes God feel? I truly believe, one day very soon, God's going to lost patience with us and lift his hand. One day, we'll all be thrown out there to the real world, out to the ravenous wolves. We'll be tested up until death, whether we truly are God's children, willing to follow to the death and give our lives. Or will we run and reject Christ to spare our own lives. Now THAT is the real Christian life. What we've been living here in this country is not the real Christian life.

At this point, I'm officially and God willingly, giving up on games completely and getting rid of all the other junk that I have set up as an idol in my life. I'm sick and tired of putting obstacles in my own way to run full speed towards where God wants me. I'm putting stuff up on Craigslist today, if I have enough time. I could also seriously use the extra money right now.

It feels good putting what I think about daily down in writing. I want to keep doing it until it makes a difference. Maybe nobody will ever read this, but I do it more for my own sake. Perhaps it will be worth all the struggle if somebody reads it at some point and gets something out of it. Perhaps it will not all be in vain.